Soulful Thoughts

Know Thyself

2010-12-08T22:55:00.000-08:00

I remember early on in my career as a parent coach, how easy it was to feel intimidated by some of the high profile “experts” out there, with many letters after their names, books and TV shows: anything from changing your child in a week, to having your kid behave in 3 simple steps.

I had a client of mine ask me a question that although simple, really summarized the challenge of finding our own voice in parenting and figuring things out. She asked me, “How do you know you are doing "it" right?”

One of the lessons I have learned on this journey that has helped me answer that question is the importance of finding my own rhythm and going with it. If you choose to do that, you simply can’t go wrong! As parents, we find ourselves pulled in many directions and in the midst of all that, we question every one of our decisions before, during and after we make them!

As a mom, a wife, a friend and a business owner, finding my own rhythm has given me a lot of confidence because I have learned to trust that there’s a Power greater than me, a force beyond my own that has all the answers. The key is to find a way to connect with that wisdom by going within.

I don't have to convince you that raising children is a huge adventure and an amazing calling: it’s a gigantic and more expansive task that we can ever be prepared for. I also know that by answering the call and listening to my heart, I will find a way that fits my family, my child and my values.

I have no doubt I will not be the first (or last) mom to face challenges in this wacky road called parenting: it has been done before, I trust and know myself enough to know that I can do it again and maybe even do a decent job!

Are you up for the challenge?

Parenting like a squash!

2010-12-04T21:39:00.000-08:00

In an interesting experiment at Amherst College (Massachusetts), a band of steel was secured around a young squash. As the squash grew, it exerted pressure on the steel band. Researchers wanted to know just how strong a squash could be, so they measured the force it brought to bear on its constraints. They initially estimated that it might be able to exert as much as 500 pounds of pressure.

In one month, the squash was pressing 500 pounds. In two months it was applying 1,500 pounds and, when it reached 2,000 pounds, researches had to strengthen the steel band. The squash eventually brought 5,000 pounds of pressure to bear on the band - when the rind split open.

They opened the squash and found it inedible. It was full of tough, course fibres that had grown to push against the constraining obstacle. The plant required great amounts of nutrients to gain the strength needed to break its bonds, and its roots extended out about 80,000 feet in all directions. The squash had single-handedly taken over the garden space! (Steve Goodier Thanks to WITandWISDOM(tm) - January 25, 2000)

There are times when life seems to hand us more than we can handle, especially when it comes to our children. I believe with my whole heart that YOU are indeed the expert on your children and know them better than anyone. I also believe that you are given the opportunity to grow with the experience to move through the challenges of raising children.

It's a choice: one that we some times have to make day by day, hour by hour and even minute by minute. But in the end, Life has provided us with everything we need to make it through the rough patches and even find the gratitude in the journey. If a squash can, SO CAN YOU!

Energy Drains

2010-12-02T22:37:00.000-08:00

by Lisa Byrne at www.wellgroundedlife.com

As moms we all know that there are “seasons” in our life that are unpredictable– when weeks pass by like a breeze, everything clicks, time seems ample and everyone in the family unit is getting along beautifully.

Then other seasons blow in where the frenzy of things to do seems to knock your schedule out of whack, detours start to pop up, and you feel like your sucking wind just to get through the day.

When times start to feel a bit rocky I often return to a simple tool to help me re-access what needs to stay, shift or leave for the time being to regain some balance.

There are many good, great and better things that come into our lives, but not everything is always good for us right now. As sure as the seasons change, our lives are always growing, shifting and reordering. It makes good sense that not all things are right for us at all times.

I use this litmus test often to take stock of when things or relationships may have become imbalanced or negative in my life. Here’s the question I ask myself:
Does this thing or person give me or drain me of energy?

First, an important distinction. I do not mean does this thing or relationship require energy. Many good things take energy. I mean to emphasis the more subtle, deeper, kind of energy a thing or person holds in our life. Does the thought of doing this thing stimulate or depress you? After spending time with someone, are you more enlivened or drained? The energy shift you feel is the important part to consider.

I use this energy question in many areas like:

• when I have to reconsider what is on my plate
• when I need to decide what to keep and what to let go of
• when I feel overwhelmed or frustrated for too long with something
• when I have the growing sense that I don’t have enough time to get everything done
• when I am trying too hard to do something that should probably be coming a bit easier

I STOP, slow down, pay attention to what I am fitting on my plate and ask this question for everything that is not an absolute necessity.

Listening to our “energy” language is just as important as our body language...they are both part of our “inner language” that has wisdom to share.

What if I can't (or don't want) to take this out of my life?

As a mom, the truth is there are some seasons with our children that are simply more draining than others. Or there are some responsibilities to the job requirement that feel more or less thrilling, energizing or fun.

In these scenarios, the key is to dig a little deeper and think through what about this task feel most difficult or challenging. Is there something I could add, shift, take away or include that would make it easier. For example, could you light candles while you cook, do the pile of laundry on a blanket outside in the summer, or play music you love while you clean the toilets? Don't laugh, these little offerings make huge impacts on how you experience what must be done!

If it is a challenging or draining time with your children, try this exercise.

Think of the actual situation, the time of the day, what is happening during the interaction, the details of when things feel the worst. Then work on ways to alleviate the times when it is roughest. For example, if it is really tough when your child hasn't had a snack yet and dinner is getting close-- make it a priority to sit down for an early afternoon snack?

Or maybe it is when you feel tired or hungry and need some personal space. How can you think through the scenario and plan to give yourself what you need to be at your best?

Then the second part is to increase and emphasis the things that feel rejuvenating, energizing, and enjoyable with that person. If you love taking walks with them -- take more of them-- make sure they are on a daily schedule for a while. If you love snuggling and reading books-- make it a priority. Fill your day up with more of the energizing times and the draining times will become less and less.

How do you take stock and access what is weighing you down?

About Lisa

Lisa Byrne, MPH is a health coach who helps busy moms feel energized and take great care of themselves.

Lisa speaks to groups, leads workshops and teaches classes on healthy living when she isn’t burping, bouncing or chasing her 3 little ones around. You can get her e-newsletter and a free copy of the Break the Sugar Habit workbook here.

Visit her online at www.wellgroundedlife.com

Holiday Time Line

2010-11-30T21:37:00.000-08:00

By Ellen Delap CPO

It here already! The holiday fun has started! With a myriad of activities, events, and tasks, the best way to approach the holidays is with a holiday time line. Start with a family meeting to talk about all the special parts of the holiday season.

What makes the holiday special for each family member? Make a list of the most important part of the the holidays for each person. Now you know what your goals are for the season.

Using a big month at a glance calendar, pencil in all the dates from your family meeting. These are the items to work around as you create your holiday time line.Add the tasks and times to get the “other stuff” complete.

Gift giving: dates for purchases completed, wrapping, mailing. With a list, this can be completed before December 15.

Tree trimming: dates for setting up the tree, outdoor lights, indoor decor. With organization and help, this can be completed by December 8th.

Holiday events: dates for cookie exchange, parties, family gatherings. Review your calendar each day to be sure what you need for each event. Work back two days to prepare for each event.

All of this together means a less stressed holiday! You enjoy what is most important by pacing the activities. How does your holiday time line work?

Certified Professional Organizer and Family Manager Coach Ellen Delap is the owner of Professional-Organizer.com. Since 2000, she has worked one on one with her clients in their home and offices streamlining their environment, creating effective strategies for an organized lifestyle and help prioritize organization in their daily routine. She holds ADD and Chronic Disorganization certificates and specializes in working with ADD and ADHD adults and students. Ellen has been featured at The Woodlands Home and Garden Show, on ABC13 Houston, in the Houston Chronicle and regularly contributes to national blogs and publications. To learn more about her and her work, visit www.professional-organizer.com, tweet her @TexasOrganizer or become a fan on her Facebook Fan Page Professional-Organizer.com.

The Benefits of Gratitude

2010-11-16T00:31:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt in your heart of hearts a deep sense of gratitude that goes beyond just your immediate circumstances but that inspires you with a profound desire to repay Life for what you have personally been given in your life?

And what does gratitude have to do with parenting? The negative thoughts that arise when we are concentrated on the way things should be and are not, can rob us from the joy that our children bring us every day. We need to eliminate our routine negative thinking and labeling of our children before we can actually see the behaviors we want from them.

"Photo by Melita Morgantown"

I know it may sound like a platitude but studies show that focusing our attention on the richness of our experience and saying “Thank You” for even the little things can can be very rewarding. They are finding that grateful people are optimistic and energetic and deal better with stress and illness. Gratitude, in short, can make you happier. But I know you know that. Now the challenge is to actually do it. And there’s really no excuse: especially when you consider your kids are watching.

Truth can set you free and gratitude is not a matter or time or effort: it's possible to move from a life of "surviving" and getting by to one that cultivates a spirit of Gratitude.

When I ask you to consider the power of being grateful, I am not asking you to stick your head in the sand and pretend that nothing is happening that needs your attention. "To say we feel grateful is not to say that everything in our lives is necessarily great," Robert A. Emmons (Emmons, R.A., & McCullough, M.E. -2004. The psychology of gratitude). "It just means we are aware of our blessings.

One of the things that I started doing a couple of years ago and found incredibly powerful, was the nightly routine of a gratitude journal. It has evolved nicely into a deeper daily practice that reminds me of how full my life truly is. A good friend of mine gave me a beautiful journal that I decided to use and write 5 things for which I was grateful. It became a profound ritual that brought a sense of closure to every day. Some times, in our quests to be better, or more successful, or more organized, or better moms, parents, spouses, we get stuck in the energy of more, and forget the gifts of now.

Remember: "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." - William Arthur Ward

I know that you are keenly aware of how important it is for us to be the kind of adult we hope your child to become. How do you show up in the world with a sense of thankfulness, not only during the Holidays, but all year around?

5 Organizing Projects You Can Complete in 5 Minutes

2010-11-07T21:11:00.000-08:00

Don’t have hours to get organized? Here are 5 things you can do for 5 minutes to get your home in order.

1. Recycle junk mail. Stand over your recycle bin or a paper sack and toss old newspapers, extra catalogs or clippings you no longer need.

2. Sort through a kitchen drawer. Set a timer for 5 minutes, grab a shopping bag, open the drawer, pick through anything no longer needed and donate it.

3. Make a clothing donation bag. Go through your clothes closet and choose 5 articles of clothing you never wear. Put them in a donation bag to be given to your favorite charity. Stop at Goodwill on the way to get these out the door.

4. Five minute toy pick up. Enlist your kids to help. Put on energizing music and have a pick up party.

5. Delete email. Take 5 minutes to delete email from your sent box, especially if it is older than a month.

Feel accomplished? Organizing is not about finding the perfect time or creating the perfect system. It is about the baby steps to create a level of order in your world that works! Share with me your 5 minute organizing project!

About Ellen

30 days of Gratitude

2010-11-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

I love doing theme-months for this blog: it keeps me focused on finding the “juicy bits” in everyday life!

This month, I am sharing with all of you 30 days of gratitude. Gratitude is defined as the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful. I believe that gratitude is so much more than saying thanks for the things we have and for the things we like. It also asks that we tune into our lives and find the blessings even at times when things don’t look so good!

Why is gratitude so hard to embrace sometimes? I have wondered about this question, especially when well-meaning people give me that “smile” that says, “you are living in la-la land Sandra, you can’t possibly find anything positive to be happy about!”

Am I delusional? Am I out of touch with so-called “reality”? Maybe the reason why many of us find it hard to embrace the joys of thankfulness it is because as a society, we focus on our shortcomings, lacks and limitations more than the blessings we experience.

Many of us rush through our days in our fast-paced culture. Rarely do we stop and take stock of our achievements and accomplishments. To consciously move into an attitude of gratitude we need to stop and take a breath and slow down.

Our children are the perfect teachers for those of us who want to be present and find the miracle in the little things. Many of us moms have heard our children go to the simplest of the birthday parties only to tell us they had the best day of their (short) lives! Or how the ice cream they just ate is the best ice cream ever!

When we are feeling stressed, unloved or unappreciated, it truly helps to take our focus from the negative and acknowledge the many other times when we have felt better: the people in our lives who have made our days brighter or those who chose to see the best in us when we didn’t. The good night of sleep we have had or the delicious meal that me enjoyed with our family.

That is what I call taking inventory of our blessings.

I know that my now 9 year old daughter can be a challenge to my patience sometimes. When the time comes for me to “practice what I preach”, I remember that the very same traits that make it hard for me to stay cool and calm sometimes are the same characteristics that will one day make successful in the real world: her assertiveness, her eloquence and her great wit!

I know that clichés and platitudes have little impact on our daily lives. It’s the practical application, the embodiment of this idea of gratitude that will lead you and me into a new and sustainable way of being happy, independent of outside circumstances.

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” John F. Kennedy

In Gratitude,
Sandra

Somethings never change... or do they?

2010-11-02T21:55:00.000-07:00

"Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers."
- Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

It’s official. Children have always been thankless, greedy creatures. The next time your child says or does something that more resembles the spawn of Satan than the angelic infant you brought home, remember these words of Socrates. Kids are designed to test us and push their limits. It would be unhealthy and more than a little creepy if yours didn’t do likewise.

-Hal Runkel, LMFT author of ScreamFree Parenting

What do YOU do to stay Screamfree? How do you handle your frustration when you are ready to sell your kids on Ebay? I'd love to hear your words of wisdom!!

Own it!

2010-11-01T22:56:00.000-07:00

By: Melissa Atkins Wardy

Last night I read an apology posted on a blog belonging to a young television star who is at the center of a controversy surrounding racy photographs taken of her for a men’s magazine. Let me restate that, photographs she participated in, for a men’s magazine.

I’m sure you have heard the whole story by now, but what has really struck me as interesting is how the stars explained themselves, and made a lame attempt to apologize.
I am currently raising two preschoolers, a four year old and a two year old. I frequently feel like a prison guard, controlling riots and breaking up yard fights.

The two year olds’ favorite game to play is “Wild Animals” in which he tackles his sister from behind, sits on her, and bites her hair. Needless to say, my crew issues quite a few apologies back and forth throughout the course of the average day.

I don’t mind that I have ‘high energy kids’, as I like to call them. While I sit here in the quiet of a house when everyone is sleeping, I can honestly say I enjoy the craziness and crack up at the insane situations the kids get themselves into.

You have to be able to laugh at yourself, while scolding the two year old after removing him from his sister’s head, when you say, “Ben! We are not wild animals and we do not bite people on the hair!”

Which brings me to my point – the apology. I realize the boy lacks impulse control. He is two. But he needs to develop some emotional intelligence and empathy towards his poor, saliva-covered sister.

So every time he is a rascal, he has to stand face to face and say, “Amelia, I am sorry I made you feel______.” Hurt. Scared. Slimey.

For the age of two, that is an acceptable apology. Now what if he were a famous 24 year old television actress whose participation in a super sexy photo shoot left her fans, and the parents of her fans, in an uproar? The thing NOT to say is, "Well! I'm sorry if you're offended!" That isn’t really an apology, because there is no ownership of action. Nor is the right thing to do to shift blame, deflect responsibility, or claim you don’t know how it happened.

I don’t know how magic happens, but I do know how young women end up with their clothes off in front of a photographer. I’d much rather hear an apology that is authentic, mature, and demonstrates ownership: "I participated in a photo shoot that I wasn't necessarily comfortable with as it went on, and in hindsight I made poor decisions in what I agreed to wear and how I agreed to pose. These photos do not reflect who I am nor do they show respect to my fans, many of whom are young. I apologize for my actions, and will do better in the future."

When you hurt someone, let them down, or scare them, apologize and mean it. Care about that other person. If my two year old can do it, so can you.

Melissa Atkins Wardy is the owner of Pigtail Pals – Redefine Girly, an empowering apparel and gift company for girls.

She advocates and writes about issues involving the sexualization of girlhood. Check out her website at www.pigtailpals.com.

You can read her blog at: http://blog.pigtailpals.com,find her on Facebook www.facebook.com/Pigtail Pals or on Twitter at @PigtailPals.

It is time we change the way we think about our girls.

Double Duty Mom

2010-10-28T17:36:00.000-07:00

Double Duty Mom

Your Parenting Thermostat

2010-10-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

FREE Screamfree Teleseminar- October 20th

2010-10-17T19:25:00.001-07:00

3 Simple Parenting Strategies Every Mom Should Know

FREE Teleseminar

Wednesday October 20th

7:30 pm PST/10:30 pm EST

Moms.......

Are you feeling hopeless, overwhelmed and frustrated?

Do you question if you are actually doing "it" right?

At you at the end of your rope?

I've been where you are at: Not that long ago, I had a young child who was pushing my buttons in a big way. I felt hopeless, frustrated and ready to run away. At times I wondered if I was raising a juvenile delinquent!

My daughter's ability to exasperate me was off the charts! I have since developed a family strategy that allows me to use the Screamfree principles and my own inner guidance to be the mom I knew I could be. It's tough, but I believe that together, we can do it!

In this lively, engaging and fun Teleseminar you'll discover HOW to:

Feel more comfortable as a mom, even when your children are less than well behaved
Be a better parent with less effort and a lot more fun
Discover what it means to be in charge as a calm and cool mom

Are you ready for a new parenting experience? Join me on thisf*ree introductory session and start on your way to the familyyou deserve!Space is limited so register early for this FREE CLASS!

If you have any questions, contact me at sandra at thesoulfulparent dot comor visit my website www.thesoulfulparent.com

3 Simple Tips for Successful Parenting

2010-10-14T20:07:00.000-07:00

3 Simple Tips for Successful Parenting

Nourish MD - Healthy Children - Healthy Kids - Mom2Mom Blog

2010-10-10T10:36:00.000-07:00

Nourish MD - Healthy Children - Healthy Kids - Mom2Mom Blog

Parenting from love not fear

2010-09-29T19:47:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I decided to organize the books on my bookshelves. I absolutely love reading and once I fall in love with a book I find it hard to give it away, unless, of course, it is a gift for someone who would appreciate the book.

One thing I noticed as I was looking over the parenting books I own was that many of the parenting books I have read in the past have made me feel fearful--as if I, and every parent out there is “doing parenting all wrong”. Some popular books have even given me the feeling that I am definitely going downhill into the sea and drifting away into an ocean of parenting regret. If I dared not follow their way of parenting, I am doomed to raise a "hooligan" or even a future "juvenile delinquent"!

I know in my heart that every parent is the real expert on their kids and knows them better than anyone else. Tools and techniques as well as support is very, very helpful in this journey. But I've noticed that when I or the moms I consult with, parent out of fear, the result is more fear.

The opposite is also true: when I parent from love, my child can feel that love, even when the established consequences for her bad behavior are not pleasant for her. It’s not that she jumps for joy at the sight of her chores, or her homework: it just becomes less of a battle or a struggle.

When I choose to parent from love, in a calm and caring way, I have fewer regrets and many more successes. It requires me to be present, available and connected to my child even when my first reaction is to run in the other direction.

The bottom line is that not much good comes out of doing anything from a place of fear. I read somewhere a long time ago that the opposite of love is fear. If that is true indeed, where would you rather parent from?

The Mompreneur Meltdown

2010-09-26T00:55:00.000-07:00

Ever since I stepped into this incredible journey of entrepreneurship, I've been devouring everything in sight on marketing, publicity, increasing sales, social media, SEO. I've read the books on it, subscribed to on-line newsletters, and attended local networking meetings, listened to tapes, felt guilty about the tapes I didn't listen to. I am swimming in information. And, this past weekend, I realized, I was choking on it.

Before I knew it, I've gotten so wrapped up in all there is for me to do, that I can close my eyes and think of the infinite amount of tasks calling my name. They are all yelling at me trying to convince me that my success and my value depend on how well I do them all. And in case I decide to have some compassion for myself, I am reminded that I am way behind already. Yikes!

When I think I have maxed out, there’s another email, another invitation to a teleclass, another webinar promising to solve all my problems and bring me more clients, more money, more exposure. The pressure to keep up with the “flow” while running this business got to be too much.

In the middle of this craziness, I have forgotten to listen to my own heart, which is the reason why I do what I do. It’s the reason why I get emails from moms telling me how much they appreciated the encouragement, the kind words and the practical solutions my programs offered them. It’s not glamorous, I know. But it makes ME happy!

Recently I attended a networking meeting full with some amazingly wonderful business people. They were really energized, outspoken and excited. Although I admired their ambition, drive, and moxie I felt out of place focusing only on the mechanics of how to run and business and make the elusive “six-figure” income.

Is there a place for me if I want to let my heart be my compass? Is there a way to have balance between my goals and my priorities? How do I negotiate being available as a mom, spouse, friend, citizen of Life with so many demands on my time?

I came across this article called Be Really Good at Being You!. It spoke to me and the place I was at that eye-opening weekend:

Do you feel inadequate yet? Are you picturing the “supermom” next door that you always envy admire? Well, it is time to stop! You are amazing. You are the only you that will ever be, and YOU are here to find out why. Why do I always compare myself with others, when really I just need to be really good at being me? Everyone’s best is different. For some reason, women have a really hard time accepting that.

After my own meltdown , I became aware of how important it is to be clear on what my friend and business coach Lara Galloway calls “your conditions of satisfaction”. By establishing what your own values and priorities are, it becomes much easier to know when you (and what you do!) are not in alignment with your values, with your “true North”. It's a heck of a lot easier to get somewhere when you know where you are going!

How do you balance motherhood with all other aspects of your life?

You just don't get it!

2010-09-21T19:03:00.001-07:00

Do you ever wonder what the world would be like if we were able to understand each other clearly and effectively? I know there is so much going on in the world today that understanding of those around us in general may not be something in the forefront of your thoughts... until there’s the proverbial misunderstanding. It’s then that we realize the value of effective communication.

I have always thought of myself as a good, effective communicator. At least, I spoke what was on my mind enough, so I felt I was communicating. I had resigned myself that a successful relationship with my beloved only required that I said what I meant and meant what I said. But when you join in with another human being, who comes with his own “software” for processing language, you learn how much you still need to learn about communication.

Most of us do our best to communicate what we want and need: from a 2 year old who’s frustrated by having to repeat his words over to his mom who doesn’t understand his developing language to the wife trying to explain to her partner how tired she really is.

We all crave people in our lives that understand us, that get us? No matter how old we are we want to be understood by the people that matter to us. Our children are no exception. They are learning new lessons every day: they are learning to write, they are learning to ride a bike, they are learning to walk in the world as the little people they are. I know that as they navigate all these new experiences, they also want to know that we get how they get frustrated, how they try so hard and how the world doesn’t always make sense to them.

I have been blessed with friends and family that do their best to support me when the world shuffles and tosses me around a little bit (you know who you are!). I want that same experience for our daughter, because she too deserves to have people in her life that understand her and that she feels safe coming to. Understanding and support, whether for my husband, for a friend or my child, means not jumping to conclusions or thinking that I have all the answers or that I truly know what is going on at all times. What a relief!

We develop close connections with our children and our family when we support and understand them even when we’d prefer that they did things our way. It’s a great opportunity to show our unconditional love and make them feel that their feelings and thoughts matter to us too. We can show that we “see them”!

When we encourage and understand someone, including our children, we inspire them to be themselves. And in the end, honoring exactly who they are is the best way to show someone you love them.

How do you keep the communication open in your family?

Be still and know.. It's good to smile!

2010-09-15T14:45:00.001-07:00

What happens when you find wet towels moldy and smelly under your child’s bed? What do you do when your child refuses to do the chore that had been previously agreed upon? What is your reaction when your child tells you that you are the worst mother in the world? What if he decides to tell you that it’s a good thing you are not a parent to anyone else because you are just horrible? ( You guessed it: I have heard some of these myself!)

You know what I do: I take a deep breath and force myself to smile. I know it seems like an absurd way to handle the challenges of parenting but it works for me. According to Gretchen Rubin author of the new book, The Happiness Project “Facial expressions don’t merely reflect emotions, they also affect emotions. In “facial feedback,” studies show, the mere act of smiling makes people happier—even when they smile mechanically, as I’m doing, or when they’re asked not to “smile” but rather to contract specific facial muscles”.

I don’t have to remind you of the challenge of raising children consciously, intentionally and Screamfree: it’s truly a labor of love all the way through.

But, no matter how difficult the situation may be or how tired you are of dealing with the never-ending behavior from your child, one thing is true: Only one of you can be having a meltdown at a time!

As we chose to walk this journey of parenthood with the utmost respect for ourselves and our children it becomes crucial that we remember to take a deep breath (or a hundred if necessary!), walk away if possible and keep in mind that no good comes from retaliation or reaction. You can’t be in charge in you can’t be in control of yourself!

Smile.. Your kids are watching!

Redefine Girly: A New Way to Parent Young Girls

2010-09-14T17:37:00.000-07:00

Guest post by Melissa Wardy

I am rather certain that raising kids has never been easy. First there were saber tooth tigers, then troublesome things like plagues and famine. Take into account marauding armies and the carving out of a New World…there is a lot these days that parents take for granted.

Today there is a new kind of danger we have to protect our kids from: the corporate marketer. Marketers are relentless in their efforts to build life-long consumers of our children, and they aim hypersexual and gender stereotyped advertising directly at our kids to do it.

I believe the sexualization of childhood will soon be seen as the children’s rights issue of our time. Sexualization affects both boys and girls, infant through high school. Sexualization affects all races, economic classes, and geographies. It robs children of their right to childhood, to hit psychological developmental milestones fairly, and it affects their self-esteem and body image.

Parents hand their children toys that don’t look like children, but instead reflect a sexily dressed woman’s body frame that is literally unachievable to 99% of adult women, yet we shake our heads when we hear that 5 and 6 year olds are beginning to say they are fat and need to diet. Our society encourages girls to play with coquettish princesses and scantily-clad fairies, only to slut-shame these same girls in later years.

The commercial sexualization of childhood has gotten to the point that parents have to go out of their way and many times spend twice as much money to keep their home free and clear of clothing, toys, and media that sexualize and marginalize their children. In mainstream, suburban American shopping there is a chasm running through childhood – one side is pink and the other is blue.

When my daughter was born and I would spend the day holding her and dream about catching lightening bugs, teaching her to ride a bike and kick a soccer ball, reading “Little House On The Prairie”, and flying kites. A childhood fit for a Norman Rockwell piece for the Saturday Evening Post.

When my tiny girl was a few weeks old, I needed to restock on diapers or pacifiers or some such thing and went shopping at our local big box store. I came home mystified. My eyes were glazed over from pink pegboard and walls of plastic dolls that looks like sex workers and tulle and tiaras and slogans on every shirt that read “I love being the Princess” and “Daddy’s Princess” and “Sweet as Candy” and “Angel” and “Sassy, sometimes Sweet”. The excess of tiaras and rhinestones had done me in.

This was girlhood? This was how I was supposed to raise my daughter? And why was everything pink? I couldn’t understand it, and thought perhaps my post pregnancy hormones had made me time travel. You know, to 1950.

I wasn’t about to raise my girl to wish upon a star and wait for her prince. I’d rather teach her to get into a rocket ship and reach that star for herself. I wanted that message on infant girl clothing, but couldn’t find it. At least, I couldn’t find it on the “girl side” of the aisle. Then I had one of those a-ha moments and I filled page after page with ideas and drawings and plans…..for what would become Pigtail Pals.

I don’t see childhood as having a boy side and a girl side, not in the first several years. I see childhood as a time for brightly colored, unstructured play fueled by powerful imaginations and the understanding all young children seem to have that the world is their oyster.

I have worked diligently to keep our home media literate, gender neutral with toys, and full of playthings that are open ended. My husband and I try to keep gender stereotypes and sexualization out of our home. I certainly will not be teaching my daughter, who was named after Amelia Earhart, to sit quietly and be pretty. I flatly refuse to teach her that her beauty is her worth.

I believe girls deserve better. I believe we need to change the way we think about our girls. I think girls should be allowed to dream in every color. I think girls should have the freedom to imagine growing up to be a doctor, a race car driver, a pilot, or an astronaut. Today’s girls are being raised by a generation of women that is the most well educated, most well traveled, most liberated to ever have walked the earth. But you wouldn’t know it after an afternoon of shopping.

I raise my girl to be smart, daring, and adventurous. I don’t think those things belong on the “boy side” of the aisle. I simply think they belong right in the middle of childhood.

Melissa Wardy is a mother of two who owns and operates Pigtail Pals – Redefine Girly, an online store and media literacy blog that aims to change the way we look at girlhood. Our empowering products show girls they may be smart, daring, and adventurous.

It takes a village....

2010-09-12T17:35:00.000-07:00

When Hillary wrote It Takes A Village there was a collective nodding of heads across the country. Somehow we all know deep down that as terrific as we may be at parenting, there are huge benefits to allowing our children to be parented by others as well. Bringing other adults into the fold is good for the children, and good for the parent. Allowing others to help is especially good for the Mom, who even in the most egalitarian of households takes on the lions’ share of work in terms of parenting.

So why is it so hard to admit, Mamas, that we can use and have a right to help and support? What holds us back from asking for what we need? How would life be different for us if we learned to lean on others – even just a teeny bit?

The Mom Unto Herself

The moms I work with in my coaching practice, as well as many of my own friends and family, are remarkably consistent in their behaviors and mindset around going it alone. Several of the variations on this theme are:

The SuperMommy complex. We believe we can wake before dawn, meditate, exercise, spend the day taking care of the children and/or working inside or outside the home, blog, tweet, eat well, be insightful, have quality time and get everyone to bed at a reasonable hour. We believe we can do this without developing fatigue, loss of libido or depression. Seriously, Moms, IT’S TOO MUCH. We are only human, after all.
The lack of a reliable mirror. Mommying happens pretty much in a vacuum; very rarely do we hear “Great job!” or a “We’d like to publish your thoughts on that!” when we rise to a formidable parenting challenge. Instead, we do our thing solo and without recognition. Over time this leads to negative feelings about our accomplishments, and the sense that we aren’t doing anything worthwhile. So we do more and more, in an attempt to counterbalance these feelings of worthlessness.
Deep down, we feel guilty about “just being Mom”. There are many of us who came to mommying after spending time in corporate America or logging long hours in the non-profit world. We know how to work hard, and we are used to it. When we become mamas, we substitute one challenging job for another. We take on whatever comes our way, believing that it’s a privilege to stay home with the children and we should be able to handle whatever comes our way.

Do you recognize yourself or your friends in the above descriptions? It seems to be somewhat of an epidemic!

Asking for What We Need

As women, we are conditioned to make nice and be agreeable; it’s much more socially acceptable to go along with the crowd than to stand up and be forceful. As a result, we have forgotten how to ask for what we want. We behave according to “shoulds” and “have tos”, which are externally generated thoughts and opinions, rather than slowing down and quietly asking ourselves, “What do I want?”

When we DO ask ourselves what we want in a heartfelt way, the answer that comes is authentic, wholesome and healing. It points out which needs aren’t being met, and opens us up to finding new ways to meet those needs. It’s the first step to finding our way to healthy parenting that’s healthy for the mommies as well as the kids.

So for all us moms trying and failing to do it all, our challenge is to slow down, take stock of what feels like it’s too much, and ask for help. In granting ourselves this small act of kindness, we appreciate ourselves for what we are, and demonstrate self-love and self-respect. Modelling these two traits for our kids is perhaps the most valuable lesson of all.

Where are you feeling overwhelmed, and like a hand would be extra appreciated right now? How can you invite others into your family dynamic in a way that supports you and benefits the children? What might open up for you, once you make way for some support with parenting?

Amy Kessel is a certified professional life coach and the owner of Mamamorphosis: Think Outside the LunchBox. She helps moms reclaim themselves as women, which in turn enables them to create passion-filled and purpose-led lives. Her private and group coaching, as well as her dynamic workshops, attract women at all stages of mommyhood, who have the same burning question: What's Next for Me?

Happy New Year to Me!

2010-09-11T17:35:00.000-07:00

I have been blessed with approximately 1,350,636,432.53 seconds so far. Today, as I celebrate my birthday, I have an opportunity to reflect on what I want the next 1,350,636,432.53 seconds to be like!

I have to admit: this year has been very, very challenging in many different ways. One thing has become even more clear to me: focusing on our strengths, on what is working and on our many blessings, allows for the tough times to be more "endurable". Challenges don't go away because we are grateful; they just become meaningful in the context of gratitude!

Focusing on me, and me alone, continues to be "my growing edge". Writing this blog was just as uncomfortable as it was eye-opening. I questioned the wisdom of talking about me, my birthday and my reasons for gratitude. But, I guess, the beauty of moving forward in my 40's is that I become more and more willing to show up in the world just as I am, warts and all!

As my own, personal "new year" gets underway, I decided to celebrate by writing down the notes from my gratitude journal, written on my special day. I am deeply grateful to and for:

My mom and dad, who with all their seeming "flaws" have taught me so much about love, about trust in Life, about who I ultimate can become.
My husband, friend and companion. His gentle nature, patience and unconditional love for me have sustained me against fear, cynicism, hopelessness and arrogance. He continues to be the soft place where God touches my heart in good times and tough times.
My daughter, who at 8 years old has taught me more than anything or anybody in my entire life! Her determination, strength, resolve and confidence, have allowed me to discover the same qualities in me. Loving her has taught me that by opening our hearts, we become the spot where love flows through first, thus blessing us in the process.
My playgroup tribe sisters, four women who know me in ways that I was afraid to show anyone before. For the last 8 years, these women have become as much part of me as my own family. They have honored the secret code of this circle of women who are willing to see me through anything, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, for champagne or for beer!
My body, that despite the foolishness of younger years, continues to bring me unmeasurable joys: the pleasure of my child's kiss, the taste of a ripe mango, the sound of Pink Martini or the comfort of a friend's hug.
My deep and abiding connection with God, expressed in so many forms: the laugh of a baby, a beautiful sunset, the taste of watermelon or the smell of clean laundry!
The availability of all sorts of books and my ability to read them. The gift of literacy is one I could never, ever take for granted!
The amazing sight of a clear blue sky in Seattle. When the clouds part, there's no other place on Earth that can take your breath away like the Pacific Northwest.. at least for me!
My Ipod! I absolutely love the way I can relax, learn, meditate, work out or simply dance my head off at the touch of a button!
All the new and amazing people that my coaching career has brought to me! My classmates, my online friends. In this journey of following my heart as a parent coach and ScreamFree consultant, I have been touched by the wisdom,kindness and support of some amazing and generous women: Lara, Wendy, Lynne, Dori, Michele Borba, Marjie, Amy, Karen and Susan. The list is long.. so please forgive me if this late at night, I missed adding your name here... A big, heartfelt, soul-full thank you for the many ways you have touched my life!
For the opportunity to live in a country, the United States of America, that although a "work in progress", has given me the chance to be what I was born to be!

So I take a deep breath and decide to click "publish" before I change my mind.

Happy New Year to Me!

Soulfully yours,

Done yelling & bribing! There's a better way:ScreamFree Moms!

2010-09-02T18:41:00.001-07:00

Does it seems like your 8 year-old’s mouth has gotten out of control and she always has to have the last word?
Are you in the middle of a battle between your child and your partner that ends up in more and more disrespectful behavior?
Does it seems like you have tried every book, every class and every tool and still can't get your kids to cooperate?

And I know that things don’t always work out the way we want.
When your work is caring for your children (among so many other things) you simply can’t turn your kids “off” until you are not stressed, tired, or overwhelmed. As we move forward on the journey of motherhood, we sometimes find ourselves needing some support, some practical tools to keep on “keeping”

I also know that pretending that we can handle it all alone all the time, with the constant pressures to do it just “right” can not only stressful but simply unrealistic and unfair.

Whether we are aware of it or not, stress affects everything we do especially our parenting.I feel very blessed by the opportunity to raise my beautiful, sweet and sometimes “testy” 8 year old:she has helped me grow my heart in ways I never thought possible. She puts a smile on my face most days and she teaches me a great deal about life. I have to admit though, that she also challenges me to keep cool and calm at times when she is not. I have learned with time and tons of practice, that how I respond (not react) to her can really make a difference on how I experience my journey as a parent.

I have also learned this to be true for the moms I work with:

Change the way you respond to your children and the way your children respond to you changes!.

Do you know what the biggest enemy of your parenting efforts is? It is not the TV, the Internet, or even drugs.

Our biggest enemy is our own emotional, unchecked reactions. When I say “I lost it with my kids” the “it” in that sentence is our adulthood. We don’t respond to our kids: we have a huge reaction! Then we wonder why our children have so little respect for us. Isn’t it time to do it different?

It’s time to become

Scream Free!!!

This course will give you the tools you need to shift from CHAOS to CALM!

As a parent coach, trained in Early Childhood and Special Needs, I have learned many tools and strategies to help the families I have worked with focus on what they need to do to have the family lives they dream of. But the experience of mothering challenged me to translate those techniques into practical, concrete strategies that truly work. I had the privilege to test these strategies to find what worked for me so I could build a robust plan for keeping myself focus, calm and connected.

It's time for your parenting to go from SURVIVING to THRIVING!

ScreamFree Moms Teleseminar participant said :" I really liked Sandra. Her personality is very comforting, positive and assuring!"

The Details

We’ll go through 4 weeks together where I’ll share simple and practical ways to really learn how to make meaningful changes to get your parenting back on track.

Each week will include a very short video, pdf course materials, and a password protected Yahoo Group for you to connect with others, get support and share your experience.

Everything is designed to fit into a busy lifestyle! Most of us do not have the time to join lengthy audio classes, watch hours of video or read through pages of text.

We will cover:

Tools to immediately start effecting change at home

How to keep yourself cool and connected

Scripts to use when you are overwhelmed

Effective ways to prevent stress build up and identify your unique stress patterns and triggers.

How to “”switch on your calm response, no matter how stressful the situation you are in.

Gain control of the strongest weapon you naturally have against parental stress: YOU

The course begins September 20 and ends October 11th.

Each Saturday you’ll receive the short, video, pdf weekly course materials, and details to call in for the audio class.

Every Monday evening at 7pm PST/10:00pmEST we’ll get together for the audio class where you can call in by phone.

By Wednesday you’ll get a link to access the recording if you couldn’t make the call. I highly encourage you to participate live but I understand that some times that may not work. I ask that you find some time to listen to the recording.

I know you’re afraid of signing up for this class because you can't imagine how a book and talking on the phone can change the way you parent. You may feel it is too good to be true. You may even wonder if you have time to take the class! But you know what? It’s going to be okay. I’ve been where you are now, and I know the way out of here. So let's walk side-by-side, click on the button that says Buy Now, and in just a moment you’ll be on the road to the solution that makes it all okay.Click the button and let’s get you out of this mess, okay?.

Are you ready to become a Scream Free Mom?

You do need to register soon so I can get you on my class list. There are a limited number of spots so make sure to register early.
*Registration will be open from now until September 20th or until the course is full.

NOTE: Your order will show on your credit card statement as Living Out Loud (livingoutloud@earthlink.net)

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me here.

P.S. If you are feeling so overwhelmed that you’re not sure if this will help, I want you to know there are ways…simple, easy, doable steps that will make huge shifts in how you deal with your kids and how you view parenting all together. I’d hate to see you hesitate getting the support you need because of the very thing (stress) that this course will help resolve.

I hope you give it a chance!

Money and kids: Letting the consequences do the disciplining!

2010-08-31T15:07:00.000-07:00

My husband and I have tried to get in the routine of giving our child an allowance: money she can spend, save and share. She has a bank account she started by herself at our local credit union. It was a very powerful message to show her the importance of saving for the future.

But when it came to allowances, I always felt a little conflicted. We don’t give her money for chores that are part of being a contributing member of our family. But the issue of a specific amount or allowance on a regular basis, continued to elude us. I talk to a good friend of mine who suggested just starting with a reasonable amount and letting her spend it, save it or give it away in ANY way she wanted. I have to admit, that last sentence pushed my hidden buttons in me!” What if she decides to spend it on junk”, I said. My wise friend told reminded me that allowing her to use the money in any way she liked would give her a good handle on making mistakes on a smaller scale so she can learn the value of using your money responsibly.

Well, we got started that same day. I was as uncomfortable as a kangaroo with a porcupine in her pouch! She got her first official allowance and we explained that she would be getting the same amount at the beginning of every month and it was to be use any way she liked.

Immediately, she told us she wanted to buy some books out of a series she really liked. We explained that we had a few choices in order to get the book or books she wanted: we could go to the local Half Price Books store where she could probably get more for her money or we could go to the local bookstore where the books were brand new but would cost more. She was more than willing to go take our first choice but unfortunately, Half Price Books did not have the specific books she was looking for.

And here is where the lesson started: She was very upset and disappointed at the thought that she was not going to go home with a book in her hands! I promised her that we could go the next day and try another local Half Price Book store and see what they had available there. Yes.. You guessed it. She didn’t want to wait until the next hour, let alone the next day.

I got a little irritated and tried to explain to her that if we did go to the bookstore she would end up spending all her money in only one book as opposed to using the same amount to buy 2 or maybe even 3 books at the second hand store. I explained how in the past we had done just that and the books were almost brand new for significantly less money.

She would not budge. She wanted the book that day, so I agree to let her go to the bookstore. We did, and the price of the book took her entire allowance for the month. She was only able to buy one and only one on the series.

She left happy and excited to have spent her allowance on her favorite book.

The next day, as we were running errands, we happen to be near another Half Price Book store, so I decided to go in. Imagine her surprise when 3 of the books in the series she wanted were available there ON SALE.. Including the one she had purchased full price!

She begged and pleaded for me to let her “borrow” the money to buy the rest of the books. We had been clear that her allowance was to be used for the things that she wanted aside from the things that we already bought for her most of the time. If she wanted another book she was going to have to wait until her next allowance. She almost started crying as we got back in the car. When she finally calmed down and was ready to talk, she said “Mom, I should have waited until today, right? I would have gotten all the books that I wanted for almost the same price of the book I bought yesterday. That was stupid and a waste of money!”

I didn’t say a word. I just took a deep breath and smile. My friend was right: What great lessons to be had when we allow our children to make their own choices. There’s nothing more powerful than these lessons learned by our own experiences.

How do you handle your urge to “rescue” your kids when they make bad decisions? I would love to hear your thoughts!

The Great Parenting Show Teleseminar!

2010-08-30T13:58:00.000-07:00

Have you' spent a lot of time trying to answer life's big questions:

* How can I create a joyful connected family?
* How can I raise self-reliant children?
* How can I help my children contribute to the world?
* How can I heal and become the parent I want?
* How can I balance my work and my family?

To begin your journey to discovering the answers to this questions click here

Because I know I have asked those questions myself, I want you to join me in listening to an awesome teleseminar series – and the best part is, it won't cost you a dime!

It's called Great Parenting Show teleseminar and it's produced by Jacqueline Green the host of the Great Parenting Show Teleseminar. With over 10 years experience in parenting education, Jacqueline Green is a sought after parenting educator in her own right, as well as a powerful force putting the top parenting experts in reach of all parents. Her passion for helping parents comes from turning her own personal struggle with parenting to a transformation of all aspects of her life! Jacqueline has read over 100 parenting books, and she has worked with and learned from many of the top parenting educators in the world. Her mission is to help millions of parents by helping you to find the right expert for your unique parenting situation and concerns.

Watch Jacqueline's cool video and sign up here ...

Jacqueline will be interviewing 24 of the world's top parenting experts about how to achieve the family you've always dreamed of having.

Here is a sampling of the amazing experts who will be a part of this series...

Hal Runkel LMFT

Hal Runkel, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist has dedicated his life to helping families stay calm and connected. He is the best-selling author of ScreamFree Parenting and sought-after international speaker. Hal is also the founder of The ScreamFree Institute, a not-for-profit organization working to build-up a worldwide network of certified leaders, each reaching countless families with the generation-changing ScreamFree message. He is active in training and equipping these leaders around the world, in addition to his counseling, speaking, and writing activities. Hal and his wife Jenny have been married for 17 years, and they live with their two children in the Atlanta area.

Marla Cilley

Marla is the best selling author of Sink Reflections, co-author of the New York Times Best Seller Body Clutter, syndicated newspaper columnist, radio show host and mentor of millions as the FlyLady. With her southern charm and inspirational emails, FlyLady guides those living in CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) and clutter. She has her own Blog Talk Radio Channel, weekly syndicated column in over 250 newspapers around the world and she has been featured in numerous major magazines and newspapers and tv, including: CNN and The Today Show.

Sonia Choquette

A third generation intuitive and prolific writer, her books have sold over a million copies worldwide including her NY Times Bestseller The Answer Is Simple.... Love Yourself, Live Your Spirit. Sonia is passionate, dynamic, powerful, and direct in her ability to instantly liberate people from the limitations and fears (a five-sensory life) and leads them to create a far more effective, spirit guided (six sensory) successful life which she insists is "our natural way." Using her highly developed, finely tuned intuitive skills she can instantly identify self sabotaging patterns and life obstacles and guide people past them and directly onto success in all their goals. No-nonsense, to-the point, practical, down--to--earth, and often hilarious in her delivery, Sonia's intuitive gifts and engaging Spirit inspire even the most cynical. There is no doubt about it; to meet Sonia in person is to change your life.

Byron Katie

Byron Katie is a multiple Best Selling Author and Speaker who has one job: to teach people how to stop suffering. When Katie, as she is called, appears, lives change. The Work has brought freedom to millions around the world through free public events, weekend workshops, nine-day School for The Work, and 28-day residential Turnaround House. Katie's six books include the bestselling Loving What Is, I Need Your Love—Is That True?, and A Thousand Names for Joy. In 1986, at the bottom of a ten-year fall into depression, anger, and addiction, Byron Katie woke up one morning and realized that all suffering comes from believing our thoughts. She realized that when she believed her stressful thoughts, she suffered, but that when she questioned them, she didn't suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Her simple but powerful method of inquiry is called The Work.

Dr. Michele Borba

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned educator, award-winning author, parenting expert and child and adolescent expert. She is recognized for her practical, solution-based strategies to strengthen children's behavior, character, and social development, and to build strong families. Dr. Borba is an NBC contributor who has appeared over 80 times as parent expert on the Today show as well as countless talk shows including: Dr. Phil, The View, The Tyra Banks Show, Fox & Friends, Geraldo & Friends, The Doctors, CNN American Morning, Countdown, and The Early Show. She appears regularly on Fox Headline News and CNN Headline News to discuss late-breaking news and has been interviewed by numerous publications including Newsweek, People, U.S. News & World Report, Reader's Digest, The Globe and Mail, and People.

There are 24 speakers in all including: Pam Young, Rhonda Ryder, Dr. Kenny Handelman, Leanne Ely, Terri Amos-Britt, Josh Shipp, Nancy Gruver, Deborah Critzer-Fox, Jennifer Kolari MSW, Claire Mysko, Shelly Lefkoe, Carolyn Ellis, Dr. Lynne Kenney PsyD, Dr. Daniel Siegel, Dr. Vicki Panaccione, and more. Wow!

We'll be sharing the best of the best strategies, tactics and processes we know to help you get from where you are to where you want to be faster and easier than ever before.

This three-month weekly training is completely FREE to you!

Please help us help millions of families by telling your friends and family about it and talk about it on your Facebook, Twitter and any other way possible.

Take advantage of this and reserve your spot by clicking on this here now:

After you register, keep an eye out for Jacqueline's email with your details for listening in on the calls.

Also, be sure to click on the special link in Jacqueline's email and grab your bonus gifts they've got for especially for you. They're all yours to keep just for enrolling in this free series.

Soulfully yours

7 Rules for skill-full communication with our kids!

2010-08-27T23:06:00.000-07:00

Any time you pick up any self-improvement book or read an article on relationships, the most common thing mentioned as an obstacle to success is poor communication.

Since our children are by far one of the most important and complex relationships we are growing through, I'd like to share with you some skills necessary to enrich and enhance our communication. Although I am focusing on our kids, these suggestions apply to ANY relationship that is meaningful to you or that you hope to make stronger.

So here we go:

Remember that every statement or comment does not require a response (especially the ones that involve whining, disrespect or nagging)
Use body language consciously. It doesn’t lie.
Choose your words carefully. Just like nails on a piece of wood, even when you take the nail out, the whole may still be there!
Speak in simple terms and with clarity. (don't use sarcasm, big words or demeaning tone)
Avoid interrupting people. (Our children ARE people and deserve respect and to be listened to. One voice at a time!)
Listen with your mouth closed. (it goes a long way, especially for those of us who tend to prepare answers in our head. That makes it really hard to be present and fully listen!)
Learn about Emotional Intelligence (empathy, self-awareness, and teamwork) to improve your communication skills.

What tools would you like to add to this list? I'd love to hear about your ideas!

Soulfully yours,

Does yelling, nagging, threatening and bribing really work?

2010-08-21T01:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stopped and thought about how you “react” when your children test your patience? For most of the moms that I work with there is a sense of shame at admitting that they lose their temper more times than they are comfortable with. Many of us have found ourselves saying and doing things we judged in others before we were parents.
The most common things I hear friends and clients say make them frustrated, angry and sometimes helpless and hopeless:

Listening to the whining… It is like nails on a chalkboard!
Watching my child “stall” when it is time to go to bed (or eat or pick up the toys or go home from the park!)
Having to tell my son a million times to do something before he actually does it, if he does it at all
Fighting over what’s for dinner
When my daughter changes her mind 10 times about what she’s going to wear to school and we are already late!
When my child interrupts me when I am talking on the phone to the point that I have to hang up
Having to ask my kid to clean her room a dozen times and it still doesn’t get done.

Can you relate to any of these situations? I know I have been there before!

When we lose our cool and yell, bribe, threaten, or “react” to our children without being prepared or without thinking about what we are going to say, the punishment we inflict t is usually not one we would have chosen if we were cool and calm. Most of the time no real, practical lesson is learned and everyone involved ends up resentful and/or frustrated!

If we allow ourselves some “grace” and understand that we are not bad parents because we get mad, that anger and frustration is a very legitimate response to our kids behavior, we can start on the road to responding instead of reacting. We then have a choice to walk away, cool down and enforce consequences that make sense and support our family values.

As I always say, “only one of you can be having a meltdown at a time”.

How do you handle those “button-pushing” moments?

Handling "Back to School" Jitters!

2010-08-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

Here are 3 simple ideas to help you (and your child) prepare for the start of the school year:

1. Keep it upbeat and positive. Keeping the topic of school positive and exciting is crucial. Make sure that anxiety and stress do not influence your child's feelings about starting school.

2. Be Sensitive. Validate your child's fears and reassure him that it is going to be all right. Make sure to remind him that he has succeeded in new challenges in the past, and will be fine with this new challenge too. You can use yourself as an example: share how you have been nervous in the past too about starting something new, like a new class, a new neighborhood or a new job. Also, remind your child of situation when he had felt the “jitters” in the past and how he handled it well, like a little league game or a piano recital.

3. Adjust Schedules Early. Don't wait until the day before school starts to give your child an earlier bedtime or wake up call. It will make everyone’s morning a lot less stressful if your child knows in advance what’s expected of him that first day of school.

4. Have your kids write a note about what they MOST want to learn the coming year. Together, seal in an envelope and open it together the next summer! (great suggestion from Wendy Young from Kidlutions )

5. 6. Establish fun tradition to mark back to school- a party, a special dinner, post all the goals 4 new school year on wall. We have started having a picnic/party at the beach with all our daughter's friends, some of which are not going to her school and some that are. It helps set the mood for the upcoming year!

Do you have any ideas you would like to share? I'd love to hear what YOU do to get yourself and your kids prepare for the upcoming start of the school year!

Partnership is KEY for Success with ADHD

2010-08-14T18:44:00.000-07:00

When your child is diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), develop partnerships with doctors, schools and daycare providers. They are all vital to your child’s future, especially when he or she has ADHD.

By developing partnerships, you will increase your child’s success and you will find the partnerships mutually beneficial. Partnerships can be challenging to develop, especially when the diagnosis is new or not even known yet. Use these tips to get started and you will soon reap the benefits of your new partnerships.

Doctors

Before you go to see any doctor regarding concerns you have regarding inattention, hyperactivity or impulsivity, do your homework. Keep a journal for at least a week to note the challenges and successes that you see. Research ADHD from reliable sources like www.CHADD.org, www.Help4ADHD.org or www.cdc.gov. Develop a list of questions that you have to make sure you do not forget anything while you are at a doctor’s appointment.

Depending on whether your child is diagnosed with ADHD or you are exploring the possibility of ADHD, your questions and your focus will be different. If a diagnosis has not been made, be sure to ask about other medical issues that could be causing the concerns. If you are considering medication, ask about how it works and what side effects can occur. If your child is struggling with his or her emotions, you may want to ask for a referral to a therapist. If he or she is having trouble focusing on school work, you can ask for a referral to a coach. Take your time to really brainstorm your list of questions. Above all else, remember that the doctor is your partner and you both have the shared goal of helping your child.

Schools and Day Care

When talking to your child’s teacher, principal or other support professional at their school, remember that their level of ADHD knowledge will vary. It is good to start with asking for their suggestions of what assistance and accommodations will help your child. If they do not have a lot of ADHD information or experience, they will likely need to rely on you for information. Share resources that you find helpful and also share techniques that work for you at home.

In addition, you will want to agree early to a communication method that everyone can support. For younger children, a daily checklist is usually effective. As children get older, email updates and perhaps a weekly checklist can be help. Teachers are usually happy to participate, but in some instances you may need to enlist the help of a principal or other school official. Your child may qualify for an Individualized Education Plan or a 504 Plan. You can find more information about those at www.Help4ADHD.org and through CHADD.

What’s Next?

There are endless ways that you can develop partnerships with the adults who work with and support your child on a daily basis. Consider these ideas as thought starters and brainstorm to develop your own. Add them to the comments here or send me an email to Laura@MyAttentionCoach.com. Let us know your thoughts!

Laura Rolands partners with adults, students, families and groups to establish client directed action plans and accomplish clear goals . Her clients have either been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD or are facing other attention-related challenges.

Join her on August 23, 2010 as she interviews Jodi Sleep-Triplett about Empowering Youth with ADHD. Learn more at www.MyAttentionCoach.com.

Mothering Without A Map: It Comes With The Territory

2010-08-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

A friend was sharing her frustrations about not knowing what to do when her child’s behavior crossed the line. “I want to know what to say and do and really just want to know in my bones that I am handling it right, but I don’t. I totally doubt myself. And it’s all because I wasn’t parented the way I want to parent. There’s no model for me to follow.” My friend went on to say that she knew how NOT to parent based on her own upbringing. She was frustrated that she didn’t automatically know what to do.

Welcome to the club. I feel the same way. My young mom and dad (19 and 20 respectively) did the best they could, and at my age, I don’t begrudge them for being imperfect. Well, not any more, at least. There was a time when I felt gypped because there were so many parts of my childhood that I didn’t want to repeat with my own kids. First, there was the being a young mom of 19 thing (avoided that, since I had my first child at 34). Then there was the getting divorced thing (did that before I met my current husband and had children with him). Then there was the no spanking my kids thing (stuck to that one—sort of. Each of them has been spanked once).

Where I’m going with this is that most of us have areas of how we were parented that we want to carry forward with our own children. And then there are those other areas. The ones that are an example of what you don’t want to do. That’s okay too. It’s important to be aware of areas where you want to do the opposite of your parents so that you are consciously choosing your parenting behavior and not just reacting to doing the opposite of what your parents did.

For example, I had a client, Sara, that felt that her mom was very controlling and uptight as a mother. She had negative memories of her mom focusing on her every behavior and criticizing it. As a reaction to how she was parented, she went the opposite direction and didn’t set limits at all with her kids. She didn’t want to thwart their creativity, she said. Meanwhile, her kids were the ones you’d see at restaurants who’d empty the salt and pepper shakers on the table, run around chasing each other, and generally make other diners wish they’d chosen a different restaurant. Sara wasn’t consciously aware that she was parenting in reaction to how she was parenting. All she knew was that “…there is no way I will be controlling like my mom was with me.” When we really talked about it, Sara shared that she didn’t know “what to do,” only what NOT to do as a mom. I assured her that this is common. Because it really is.

It’s really up to us a moms to create our own “Mom Map” with this thing we call mothering. While no two maps will look the same, the process that moms can use is the same. Here’s what I coach the moms I work with to do to create their own maps for their mothering journeys:

Write down what you appreciated about how you were parented. Yes, we’ll get into what you didn’t appreciate in a minute (gotta keep it real, right?!). For now, get very clear on what your parents did that you feel was healthy and that you’d want to model. Getting in touch with these feelings of appreciation will give you the necessary energy to move forward with the rest of the process.
Write down what you absolutely do NOT want to carry over into your own parenting. Be as specific as possible: “not yell at my kids” or “no belittling my kids at all, especially in public.” Once you have your list, star the ones that are hot buttons for you. For example, for me, there were many times as a kid that I didn’t feel listened to. So if I were writing this list, I’d star the item that said, “Not dismissing what my children tell me and changing the subject.” That would be a red flag for me because I would be in danger of reactively doing the opposite. When you purposely do the opposite of something, it’s easy to go overboard and overcompensate.
Write down what values and character qualities you want your kids to have. Start with the ones your parents helped to instill in you, and then add other ones that you feel are important. For me, it’s key to raise kids that care about others, have integrity, a strong work ethic, etc.
Imagine your child at 30, healthy and happy, and inspiring such pride in you that you could burst. What other qualities in your child came to light that were different than the ones in #3? If they were the same, that’s even more confirmation that those are deeply important to you.
If you’re not sure how, learn to set and enforce limits in a healthy way. This is key because limit-setting is where many parents try to do the opposite of their parents, in so doing, accidentally become reactionary parents (first-hand experience here!). So many of us moms didn’t like how our parents yelled or threatened or spanked, so we vow to do the opposite. Or maybe our parents were more passive and less involved than we would’ve liked or needed, so we vow to be super involved. This may sound easier said than done, I realize, so know that there are lots of resources (coaches, books, websites) to support you in healthy boundary-setting.
Instead of going from one opposite to another, instead set your intention to parent in a way that brings out the best in your children AND you. This can look lots of different ways based on your and your child’s temperament. “I’ll never yell the way my father did” can inspire guilt when, down the road, you lose your temper and indeed yell. Instead, if you focus your intentions of setting healthy limits rather than not doing what your father did, you’ll automatically bypass the yelling. As far as I know, yelling isn’t a part of healthy limit-setting (though most of us have succumbed, since we’re human!).
Allow for your personal mothering style to shine through. Just because your best friend uses flowery, lovey-dovey language with her kids doesn’t mean you aren’t a loving mom if your style is more straightforward. There are many ways to tap into your style. You can take a personality test like the Myers-Briggs or the DISC, or you can simply recall times when you were at your best, at the “top of your game” in your life. Take this peak experience and really imagine it clearly in your mind. Then, write down the inner qualities you were using (courage? perseverance? Sense of humor?) as well as the outer resources that supported you. Embedded in that vision are keys to your best self—keys that can help you remember what supports YOU (not your best friend or mother in law—theirs will be different) be the best mom you can be. \

We’ve all felt, at one time or another, that we were doing this mothering thing without a map, so know you’re not alone. You can create your own map, one that is based on solid parenting principles, your strengths and temperament, your child’s strengths and temperament, and your hopes and dreams of what kind of adult you hope to help your child become.

May you enjoy the journey.

Karen Bierdeman is a parenting coach/consultant who specializes in working with moms who feel guilty. She comes by this specialty honestly and admits that without a sense of humor she never would have created her own mom map because she would’ve been stuck in the quicksand of her mom guilt. She also is an expert in helping moms parent challenging, intense kids without feeling guilty, yelling, or giving in. You can find her at www.theguiltfreemom.com, or reach her at karen@theguiltfreemom.com

Mom vs Dad: Is one more influential?

2010-08-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

(From the Best of The Soulful Parent)

Have you ever listen to your child speak and realize that you are listening to a “mini-version” of your spouse? Do you smile or cringe?

My husband and I are very, very different in so many ways. He is a first generation “German-American” while I am a transplant from the tropical lands of Central America. My parents were very involved in the education of all of us (3 girls) in a modern society that still had some vestige of machismo and chauvinism. My dad taught us girls to be self-sufficient and be able to take care of ourselves, always. They were supportive, but incredibly strict. My husband’s parents were concerned with surviving in what seemed like a hostile environment coming from small towns in Germany after WWII.

So, you get the picture. Here comes our daughter, born into this interesting mix of cultures, ethnic backgrounds and men vs women differences. As she's growing up sh is trying to figure her own way around this complicated world we live in. I am proud that since English is my second language, I have put great emphasis on her grammar, pronunciation, vocabulary and expressive skills. I have taught her my native Spanish and shared with her the beauty of my native Panama. I have taught her to cook, to knit, to meditate, to pray, but most of all, I have taught her the importance of compassion, generosity , empathy and acceptance.

My husband has taken care of other aspects of her upbringing, that are just as important: pride in her school work, the rewards of getting past the fear and trying something new, the incredible importance of play, what appropriate affection looks like, and the love for the arts. He has shown her so much of his passion, photography, that it brings joy to my heart!

When it comes to parenting this very inquisitive, savvy, eloquent, stubborn, sassy 8 year-old, we find ourselves in the land of conflict many times: eat everything in your plate vs. eat until your tummy is full, go to your room and sit on the bed doing nothing vs. go in your room and read a book until you are ready to talk respectfully; you eat what has been prepared vs. you can make yourself a healthy alternative; you do not talk back at all vs. listen if you speak kindly.

We don’t disagree in front of her. We honor what the other one has decided on a specific situation and give her room to “complain” to the other parent, many times in an attempt to change the outcome of the discipline efforts. She NEVER finds that alternative a reality. But at least, she gets to give her feelings a voice without offending or disregarding the parent that gave the final word.

This morning, I heard our daughter say: I don’t know what the hell that was about! She was referring to something that had happened on a new Wii game she was playing with her dad. Now, for the record, that’s my husband talking. I can’t tell you how annoyed I was. Half of the time I feel I spend “translating” to our daughter my husband colloquial English: “that’s bad” actually means something is really cool. Someone “peels the shirt” means they take it off and so on.

Why can’t she repeat the things I tell her: People first, money second, things third (Suze Orman’s mantra). Or, “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit”. Or, “what matters is what’s on the inside”. Or yet, “Shake your bootie”.. Ok, it can’t all be appropriate!

As I am writing this in my office upstairs, I can hear them laughing hysterically downstairs. Our daughter has challenged him to a game of Wii and they are teasing each other about who is going to “smoke” who. She giggles and he laughs listening to her. She offers him a piece of her Valentine’s candy. I hear her ask him what he wants her to make him for Valentine’s day. His answer is: make me…….. smile! And my heart melts for this man that I adore and who is more than half of who she is at any given time.

My grandma had many wise words of advice and one thing she always told me: Only marry the guy that if your children turned out just like him, you’d be Ok with that. You know what? I did.

Ready to Parent the Scream Free Way? This FREE course is for you!

2010-08-03T15:24:00.000-07:00

As a mom of a very active and challenging 8 year old, I know firsthand that many skillful moms like you are doing the best they can to raise their children in a loving, conscious and intentional way. Moms like you, take very serious the challenge of being effective in loving their children, caring for their partner, managing a household, balancing work and keeping it all together. And I know that things don’t always work out the way we want.

When your work is caring for your children (among so many other things) you simply can’t turn your kids “off” until you are not stressed, tired, or overwhelmed. As we move forward on the journey of motherhood, we sometimes find ourselves needing some support, some practical tools to keep on “keeping”

I also know that pretending that we can handle it all alone all the time, with the constant pressures to do it just “right” can not only stressful but simply unrealistic and unfair. Whether we are aware of it or not, stress affects everything we do especially our parenting.

I feel very blessed by the opportunity to raise my beautiful, sweet and sometimes “testy” 8 years old: she has helped me grow my heart in ways I never thought possible. She puts a smile on my face most days and she teaches me a great deal about life. I have to admit though, that she also challenges me to keep cool and calm at times when she is not. I have learned with time and tons of practice, that how I respond (not react) to her can really make a difference on how I experience my journey as a parent. I have also learned this to be true for the moms I work with: Change the way you respond and handle the stress of parenting and you will transform your life.

Do you know what the biggest enemy of your parenting efforts is? It is not the TV, the Internet, or even drugs. Our biggest enemy is our own emotional, unchecked reactions.
When I say “I lost it with my kids” the “it” in that sentence is our adulthood. We don’t respond to our kids: we have a huge reaction! Then we wonder why our children have so little respect for us. Isn’t it time to do it different?
It’s time to become Scream Free!!!

This course will give you the tools you need to shift from a CHAOS to CALM!

As a parent coach, trained in Early Childhood and Special Needs, I have learned many tools and strategies to help the families I have worked with focus on what they need to do to have the family lives they dream of. But the experience of mothering challenged me to translate those techniques into practical, concrete strategies that truly work. I had the privilege to test these strategies to find what worked for me so I could build a robust plan for keeping myself focus, calm and connected.

I’m launching a 5 week paid course on Scream Free parenting for busy moms in September. I want to offer a free mini course as sort of an introduction to the 5 week full course I’ll be launching in September.

The Details

We’ll go through 3 weeks together where I’ll share simple and practical ways to really learn how to make meaningful changes to get your parenting back on track.

Each week will include a very short video, pdf course materials, and a password protected blog post for you to connect with others, get support and share your experience.

Everything is designed to fit into a busy lifestyle. Most of us do not have the time to join lengthy audio classes, watch hours of video or read through pages of text.

We will cover:

6 tools to immediately start effecting change at home
How to keep yourself cool and connected
Scripts to use when you are overwhelmed
Effective ways to prevent stress build up and identify your unique stress patterns and triggers.
How to “”switch on your calm response, no matter how stressful the situation you are in.
Gain control of the strongest weapon you naturally have against parental stress: YOU

The Schedule

The course begins August 16 and ends August 23.

Each Saturday you’ll receive the short, video, pdf weekly course materials, and details to call in for the audio class.

Sat Aug 21, Aug 28

Every Monday evening at 8pm EST we’ll get together for the audio class where you can call in by phone.

Monday Aug 16, Aug 23, Aug 30th

By Tuesday morning you’ll get a link to access the recording if you couldn’t make the call. I highly encourage you to participate live but I understand that some times that may not work. I ask that you find some time to listen to the recording.

The Small Print

You are probably wondering by now, “What’s in it for me?”

I’m hoping you find tremendous value in the course, and that you’d also get a taste of what is like working with me.

I’m also hoping to work through the finer details of offering a course online to a larger group, so I’ll be relying heavily on your wisdom, comments and your feedback throughout the course.

On Fridays, I’ll send you a quick survey or open ended question so I can get a better feel of what works and what doesn’t…as well as what you want more or less of.

I’ll also ask you to give me your honest feedback and testimonials about the course for me to use in the future. Of course, this is not a “requirement” to enroll but I hope you'll be willing to contribute your thoughts!

Finally, I may choose to repackage this course and offer it as a home study course in the future, so all audio classes will be recorded.

Are you ready to become a Scream Free Mom?

You do need to register so I can get you on my class list. There are a limited number of spots so make sure to register early.

Click Here To Register Now!

*Registration will be open from now until August 16 or until the course is full.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me here.

P.S. If you are feeling so overwhelmed that you’re not sure if this will help, I want you to know there are ways…simple, easy, doable steps that will make huge shifts in how you deal with your kids and how you view parenting all together. I’d hate to see you hesitate getting the support you need because of the very thing (stress) that this course will help resolve. I hope you give it a chance!

Children can teach us so much about freedom

2010-07-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

I was watching my daughter today, playing on the front yard with some neighbor friends, all of who had taken their shoes off and were running around the sprinkler, screaming with joy.

When I was a little girl, I never had a chance to run around barefoot or play outside without shoes. Since those days, I had never been able to walk around in the grass, at the park or in my own backyard without wearing shoes. I have to be honest, there’s a part of me that has always been jealous at the sight of my 8 year-old daughter pulling off her shoes and socks whenever she can. When she was about 9 months old, she’d take her shoes off and throw one (and only one!) out the car window if it was open. She has always loved to wriggle and wiggle her toes and she delights in walking barefoot in the sand, on the grass or simply enjoys the feeling of dirt under her feet.

There’s such relaxing pleasure on walking around barefoot, isn’t there? It’s free, portable and easy to do. My daughter insisted the other night that we go out on the deck and paint our toenails. Grass is not the only thing my feet seem to reject: any hard surface is fair game.

I tried to explain to her how I wasn’t used to walking outside without shoes and how it really made me feel weird. I couldn’t help but laugh when she said to me, dead-serious: “Mom feeling weird is your choice, you know?

Well, you’ll be happy to know that I am no longer the “feet-too-tender” mom: I went outside with her and slowly started to enjoy the freedom of walking barefoot. I made the decision to not feel weird and to have a different experience thanks to the example of my own child. I am going to need time to feel totally comfortable: it’s definitely a work in progress!!

Without shoes now as I write this, I have to admit I don’t see the world quite in the same way. I recognize that as silly as it sounds, I am enjoying this new found adventure with my daughter, enjoying the world of sensory freedom she has invited me to explore with her every day!

Want to parent better? Here are 5 mistakes to avoid!

2010-07-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's time to come clean: I've decided to share with you some of the pitfalls and mistakes from my own parenting journey. I have to confessed that at some point or another I have fallen prey to one or all of these mistakes when parenting my very active and strong-willed child. The fact that I coach parents and have been trained and supported by some of the best experts in the field, doesn’t mean I don’t find myself struggling with the very things that bring moms to my practice.

So here there are (in no particular order):

1)    Over read and under done!
So many of us are life-long learners. We enjoy learning new techniques, new ways of doing things. We are always on top of the latest book, seminar, cd or PBS show on how to do a particular thing. We can quote every edition by a particular expert on a particular subject and feel pretty proud quoting them to our friends and family at the last family gathering. I know all too good about that. I am one of those moms, over read and under done! As I coach moms that find themselves in this very same place, I have learned that at some point the searching, the learning and the reading needs to give way to action. Decide what of all that you have read serves you best and discard the rest. Decide to take one baby step, one single action that will move you forward, closer to the family life you deserve. Don’t wait for the next edition of the greatest parenting book out there!

2)    Going it alone:
Martin Luther King Jr had a posse… Mahatma Gandhi had a posse. Mother Theresa had a posse. President Obama has a posse. We are not meant to walk this wacky world of motherhood alone. I know that early on my parenting journey, before I discovered the power of having my own “tribe” of other moms to support my efforts of being the best mom I could be, I really thought that I was all my child needed. After leaving corporate America and after a very successful Engineering career, I felt that I should be competent and confident enough to plow through motherhood without showing weakness or neediness and asking for help or support. I don’t know about you, but I worried that someone was going to judge me for not knowing everything I needed to know to be a successful mom. I look back at that “me” that felt inadequate and scared and have nothing but compassion for her because I understand now the beauty of reaching out and asking AND accepting support!

3)    Being invested in how things have been:
How many of us know “how things are”? Just the way things are and have always being? Sometimes we have too much invested on the past and the way things have been before. We never stop and think about that our expectations also play a part in the outcomes that we have. If we believe that things are they way they are and will never change, then, we don’t have the mental and emotional energy to invest in considering the way things could be. Here’s where that very common idea of positive thinking comes into play

4)    Not trusting your natural instincts:
As a species, we have been having babies and raising children mainly as the primary care providers for thousands of years. We hear the stories about our grandmothers, and great-grandmothers having children in the fields and carrying on with the work they had to do. So motherhood should be as natural as breathing right? Well, in many ways it is. The beauty of human beings is that we all carry with us the basics to move the next generation over. But we also have something I consider much more powerful than any genetic drive: we have an inner knowing, an inner compass that has been place in our hearts by a force we can’t even begin to comprehend for the sole purpose of guiding our very unique journeys as moms. The longer we get away from support and our own personal tribes, the scarier it gets to listen to that voice that tells us when something is wrong and when something is really not. We start forgetting that gift we were given the moment we decided to become mothers. I encourage you to tap into that “mother knows best” switch and start trusting that you know your kids best. You are indeed the expert on your kid. And although many people, experts or not, will have opinions about what you should or shouldn’t do, you and only you live with the consequences of the choices that you make. They will impact your life and the life of your kids: make sure to listen to your inner voice, your mom intuition!

5)    Having clarity about your dreams for your family:
I can’t stress this one enough. We find ourselves in the middle of situations when it comes to our family life and we would swear we don’t know how we got there. The truth is that even when we don’t set an intention or a goal for the way we want our parenting experience to be, we are setting the intention to not have an intention. I know many of us subscribe to the theory that for our own sanity, many times it is best to go with the flow. I invite to consider that sometimes going with the flow is not the best way to go. I always remember what my grandma used to say: “Honey, only dead fish go with the flow”. And we don’t want to be the dead, smelly fish, right? If you are feeling stuck on this crazy journey of motherhood and you are ready to move forward, I would like to suggest that you examine your dreams and desires you have set up for your family. Make sure to look closely: I am always amazed how my true intentions are often hidden in the shadows. Ask yourself and take some time to answer: How have my dreams and previous actions produced the experiences I am having now with my kids, with my significant other? How would my life be different if I decided to shift my focus and my actions?

This is a good place where a life coach or a parenting coach like me can help. The role of a coach is to guide you and support you, empower you through the process of making your dreams come through. We don’t walk the path for you. We can’t. But the difference between a book and your very own cheerleading squad is that there’s not such a thing as a one size fits all. Your kids, your family, your life are as individual as your fingerprints. There’s great information out there on how to support a mom on the greatest job of her life: motherhood. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for using the resources available. But unless you decide that we are committed to having a different experience, you’ll tend to argue for the way things are. As an outsider, a coach like me has no investment on keeping your story going because we can see past the story and the details, to the brilliance that is you. It becomes important to set up a strategy that works for you and your family.

I invite you to make choices that honor who you are and begin living in the fullness of who you were meant to be and while you come from that place of integrity, you’ll start unfolding the plan Life has for you: the chance to be the mom you were always meant to be!

5 suggestions for creating a fun Summer

2010-07-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

Summer is here which means the kids will be out of school and, unless you have your kids in full-time summer care, they will suddenly be home more. And I mean a lot more. The thought of summer conjures up all sorts of images for most of us: iced tea, good books, the beach, swimming pools, lazy dinners and picnics. But, if you have young children, the reality can look more like this: whiny voices proclaiming boredom, wet and dirty footprints on the kitchen floor and thoughts of all of the things you need and want to get done but can’t seem to find time for.

With this in mind, here are my top 5 suggestions for creating a summer that will allow you to enjoy yourself and your kids:

Create some structure.
Kids crave structure and even though they might groan, creating a schedule sets expectations and helps you avoid the constant questioning about when certain things are going to happen (like when the video games can be turned on). For the past several summers, I’ve included reading time, one-on-one mommy time, chore time and yes, even screen time, into our days. It’s all very flexible, of course, but having a loose schedule ensures that we never accidentally end up with a full day of nothing to do.
Plan some fun.
It’s summer, after all, and if you remember back to when you were a kid, summer is full of fun possibilities. Talk to your kids about what will make the summer a success. Arrange time to go to an amusement park or the beach or take a picnic to your local park. Plan a day where you pretend you are visiting your own town and do all of the touristy things you never take the time to do. Put those activities on your calendar now so you know they will happen. Plus, having them scheduled will give you all something to look forward to.
Get some help.
The help I’m talking about includes day camps, babysitters, play dates and child swaps. Especially if you work from home, you need to have some time you can count on to be productive. You and your kids also need breaks from each other so make sure you have some (or all) of these items in place before that first day of summer vacation and you’ll ensure a smooth transition.
Relax!
Summer is a time to enjoy yourselves. Find time to read under the shade of a tree. Enjoy the fresh berries that are available this time of year. Run under a sprinkler. Camp in your backyard. And roast marshmallows, even if it’s just on your grill. Unless you live somewhere that is warm and sunny year round, this is your only opportunity of the year to do some of these things. Do them and have a blast while you are at it.

Before you know it, summer will be over, the kids will be back in school and you’ll have the joy of knowing you created a wonderful summer vacation for all of you.

Erin Baebler is passionate about working with women to help them explore, grow and share their gifts with the world. She recognizes that we all have talents and interests we can use to impact our worlds and the world at large. She began coaching in 2002 and has loved every minute of it! She's trained and certified through The Coaches Training Institute and has an additional certification through The International Coach Federation, the professional association of personal and business coaches. She lives in Seattle with my family. Learn more about Erin at http://www.magnoliaworkshop.com/

The real meaning of unconditional love!

2010-06-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

Being a parent teaches us the real meaning of unconditional love. When our children misbehave, it's important that we let them know that we disapprove of their behavior but not of them as people. Loving parents all around the world struggle with not calling their kids "bad" when they get out of line and/or withholding love when the child is "naughty".

It's not easy to remain open-hearted when our children push our buttons. But as a child of loving parents who didn't know any other way of disciplining that focusing on making me earn their approval and their love I have made it my mission to support parents in learning how to discipline from the heart, respecting and keeping their children's dignity and self-confidence intact. It's simple but not easy!

Disclaimer: Remaining open and loving in the midst of our children's questionable behavior DOES NOT mean letting them do whatever they want, whenever they want in any way they want. What it does mean is that we set up rules and boundaries, having clear consequences and remaining cool and calm while enforcing them.

I had this interesting conversation with our daughter a couple of years ago, and it reflects my intention to let her know that she's worthy of our love, independent of what she does. What a gift to our children if we let them know that they get the best of us simply because they are our children!

My 8 year-old:What? No matter what I do, no matter how bad I am, you still love me and get good stuff anyway?

Me: That's my agreement with you. That's what you deserve.

My 8 year-old: You still love me even if I don't get as many points in jump rope as Mary? Or if I am not as good in spelling as Kimmy?

Me: That's exactly right!

My 8 year-old: Well that's kind of dumb... what difference does it make if do good or bad?

Me: Well, that's your choice. You get to decide if you are going to behave good or bad. But you also get to experience the consequences of what you do.

My 8 year-old: I don't like that.. what do I get for being good? Nothing?

Me: You are always good. You may choose not to behave appropriately. But you don't get anything more for behaving good. What does happen is that you end up having more freedom, more choices as you show more responsibility.

My 8 year-old: Hmmmmm... That's just weird.

Me: Yeap... I know. I know.

She walked away with a big smile on her face. I will never forget the look on her face. I know without any doubt that it is possible to guide our children, to educate them and to help them become what they are capable of being and at the same time, respect them as human beings. Again, it's very, very simple. But, boy oh boy, it sure is not easy!

Divide and conquer?

2010-06-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

What do you do when the way you want to support/discipline your child contradicts the way your partner or spouse feels about the situation? How do you keep a “united front” while being fair to your kid? How do you discuss the matter without making your child feel that she/he can “divide and conquer”?

As a mom of a strong-willed “tween” my life is full of opportunities for me to prepare relevant material for my audionblogs and written articles . What do I mean by that? Just the other day, I came face to face with the enemy#1 of the proverbial “united front”: I totally, utterly and completely disagreed with my husband on how to handle a situation with our daughter. It wasn’t anything particularly complicated and in my opinion it wasn’t necessarily something that either one of us is probably going to remember in a few years. Well, it’s now on paper, out on cyberspace, so I guess it is NOT going to be completely forgotten!

Wondering what my daughter’s request was? All she wanted was to sleep on the guest bedroom as a fun thing to do and my beloved husband was concerned she would make it a mess. It doesn’t seem like a big issue when you look at it for what it was: a simple request from an 8-year-old trying to spice things up.

I used to believe that no matter what, my husband and I had to be on the same page on every single opinion, decision and action we took with our daughter. Isn’t that what we hear time and time again? But the truth is that each one of us is potentially parenting in a moment of anxiety, frustration and anger, most likely from the place we were parented. For many of us, that means we will be reacting instead of responding to our kids. In this particular case, my buttons were not pushed. I didn’t feel that our child was trying to “get away with something”. I didn’t feel she was trying to “outsmart” me and get her way. My husband on the other hand, was triggered and did feel that if we let her go ahead and do what she wanted, we were indeed raising a juvenile delinquent.

At that moment when my husband was feeling anxious and upset, he subscribed to the same “parenting myth” that many of the families I work with subscribed to: It is our job as parents to get our children to think, feel, and especially, behave the right way. It’s our job to get our children to be good and to obey us. Isn’t that what all those books tell us we ultimate want?

I have discovered throughout this amazing path of parenting, that our kids share our DNA but they truly don’t have to share our thoughts, our feelings or even our beliefs. I know, the first thing I hear from parents when I tell them this is “Doesn’t that sound a bit too permissive, out of control and irresponsible?” My answer always is “Do you remember the first time you realized that your child had a mind of her own? Well, part of growing up means that our kids will make different choices than me want them to make. They will have their biggest tantrum in front of your dissaproving in-laws. They will scream at the top of their lungs at the restaurant while everyone watches you. They will wait until the last minute to do their homework. The truth is you can’t make ANYONE do anything and that includes your kids. What you do have the power to do is to keep your cool and make sure that appropriate consequences are in place to respond (not react) when your child makes a decision that is in fact, in detriment of their growth or the well-being of their family.

We don’t want to kill their decision making spirit, right? We want to teach them that for every action there’s a ‘reaction’ and that what they choose has an effect on the world. We want them to prepare them for the “real world”.

Going back to my family story, when our daughter in defiance told my husband that it wasn’t fair for him to tell her she couldn’t sleep in the guess bedroom as long as she kept it clean, his anxiety, his worry, his own need to control got triggered. I disagreed with him but instead of siding with my daughter (which I very much wanted to do) I decided to take a deep breath and call a time out. I told her that her daddy and I couldn’t agree on whether we wanted to let her sleep in the guest bedroom or not.. I also shared with her that even though I didn’t see anything wrong with it and her daddy did, my opinion was by no means more valid than daddy’s. So, since we couldn’t agree, we were just going to take a little while to think about it and get back with her the next day.

And within an hour or two, my sweet husband told her that after taking some time to think about it, he realized that as long as it was understood that the expectation was that she’d stay there for a couple of days and was to keep the room clean, he was truly OK with her wishes. He had time to “cool” off and see our decision as harmless. He really was joining me in making his decision from a cool, calm and connected place.

See, here’s the thing: we both want the best for our daughter and we will not always see things the same way. As long as neither one of us is acting from the place where our buttons have been pushed and we are offering a knee-jerk reaction, we don’t have to worry so much about being a “united, single-minded front”. We are two different people who love this child very much.

So the story goes. Do I have this technique of keeping cool totally under my belt? It’s a work in progress. But I have seen the beauty and the power of it, for all the relationships in my life!

How do you deal with your differences of opinions, philosophies and techniques with the people in your life? Your mother-in-law? Your mother? Your best friend? Your partner/husband? As always, I’d love to hear your opinions!

Getting ready for summer

2010-06-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

By Ellen R. Delap, CPO®

We all love those lazy days of summer. But some times that is not what works best. Having an orderly approach to the fun can give you even more relaxation!

Keep the routine

Our first inclination is let to everyone stay up to all hours, eat ice cream for breakfast and have no routine at all. Summer is a great time for new routines. Start with a little later bedtime, but definitely have a bedtime for you and your kids. Getting a great night’s sleep is the best way to make every day a great one. Add in some new twists to responsibilities around the house and some new fun to the day. Have your kids water the plants, mow the lawn and clear the garage. Everyone benefits from having projects and consistency.

Make learning a year round activity

Summer is the time to delve into deep and lengthy learning with lots of hands on activity. Get on google and check out the local resources for library story time, free zoo day and free admission to the local children’s museum. Plan a weekly theme for exploration, such as turtle week, bug week, water week or art week. Having a fun and inexpensive theme keeps you and your family creative and resourceful.

Get your goodies organized

There are lots of ways to get organized for all the summer activities. For every different activity, get your goodies together in a bag. For swimming, organize it all together in a waterproof one. Gather up sunscreen, bug spray, swim toys and sun hats in order to get out the door quickly. For a trip to the library, have a bag that keeps all the borrowed books together. As you plan for travel, stock the car with games, wet wipes, Benadryl and snacks for a family friendly travel.

Having a plan can make all the difference for your summer. You and your kids will thrive not just survive! Getting ready for summer is just making a plan and working your plan.

For more tools and techniques on organizing, visit www.professional-organizer.com, tweet Ellen on twitter @TexasOrganizer or join her Facebook Business Page Professional-Organizer.com. Happy organizing!

Getting Ready for Summer with Kids!!!

2010-06-05T22:55:00.001-07:00

I am starting The Soulful Parent's June Birthday Celebration with some great guest bloggers who I love and respect very much! As Summer is upon us, I will be focusing on how to keep cool during the hottest time of the year...both for the weather AND for our relationships with our children, now that they are home! - Sandra

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Getting Ready for Summer with Kids
By Susan Heid- The Confident Mom

It’s the time of year that busy moms everywhere are either pulling their hair out or rejoicing! SCHOOLS OUT – now what? As you begin to think about your summer, I have a few tips and suggestions that you might find helpful as you put together a plan for summer.
Routines

Even though school is out and in most homes there is little urgency to be anywhere at a certain time or accomplishing anything in a particular order, it is amazing how good it is for children to still expect some kind of routine. Instead of having chaotic mayhem, sit down and come up with a regular morning, afternoon and evening routine that you can pretty much stick to, however loosely that may look for your family. I know for our family, having an expectation that certain things, like eating breakfast, brushing teeth, taking medicine, making beds and getting dressed are done by a certain time helps everyone out. I am not nagging or reminding and it helps us all have a more pleasant morning. The same routines can be set up for afternoons and evenings. When your children are comfortable with routines and the expectations that come with them, it eases anxiety and frustration for everyone.

Avoid the Summer Back Slide
Okay, schools out and now school work gets a backseat to fun! Do you know research has shown that students lose 2 months of math learning over the summer? YIKES! I know that unless you are intentional in providing a space and place to encourage your child to continue learning over the summer, they will back slide. Usually we have picked a subject to concentrate on over the summer – reading, spelling, handwriting, math skills, letter writing – just to name a few. This year is Math. I have discovered a new way to incorporate math learning in a engaging and fun way for my kids - TenMarks Education.

They have a great personalized summer program mapped to your child’s needs and it is done completely online – with video lessons, hints if they get stuck and incentives to complete the work. My son has already started working on this great program and he loves it! Watch the video here for more information on how it works. It is only $39 for the entire summer. That is a little more than $10 per month and the best part is I don’t have to take the time to put together any program; I just encourage and watch my child succeed!

Activities
I don’t know about you, but with older kids it seems like it gets harder and harder to come up with new and fun ideas to pass the long summer days away. I have gathered a few new ideas to share with you that we will be trying this summer as well as a few true and tried favorites! We are going to do some solar printing! I found this great little kit that comes with supplies so that you can make cards and more just by using items you have around the house and placing them outside on the solar paper! This will be fun. Solar Print Kit I am sure I will have to buy some plain paper too; this will surely be a hit for us all! I even think my husband will love it and a great camping activity too.

Our family is always looking for new and creative games and I stumbled upon this one Mad Libs Card Game. If you are not familiar with Mad Libs – CHECK THEM OUT! They are a great source of fun, learning entertainment and I guarantee a lot of belly laughs and if you are not careful you may even pee your pants. They also come in a booklet format that we take to the beach, use on airplanes and car rides. Vacation Mad Libs. I can guarantee we will get a lot of use out of ours this summer on our RV trip to Yellowstone.

I can’t wait to try this Homemade Sidewalk Paint too. We live in a cul de sac so have lots of sidewalk and a big area to paint away. You make the paint out of water, corn starch and food coloring. This environmentally friendly sidewalk paint takes the place of traditional sidewalk chalk. It’s also very, very inexpensive! You can make standard shades of red, green, yellow, and blue; or, mix and match to create other shades. Here is the recipe.

Traveling
If you are traveling at all this summer I have a few tips that will surely save your sanity.

Pack clothing for younger kids in zip loc bags. Pack everything you need for an outfit in a bag and then everything is in one place and you can either give the child the bag of clothing or have your partner help get them dressed. No one is looking around for a clean pair of underwear or that hair ribbon that matches the shirt!

For car or airplane rides, pack snacks in smaller “snack” size bags rather than just bringing a long the larger purchased sized item. This elevates messes as you distribute snacks, you have less over eating since there is portion control and it makes it easier to pack too!

Have surprised! When we are traveling and when space accommodates it I have went to the dollar store and bought a few new items for my kids. Some times I even wrap them up so they can anticipate the surprise. They don’t get these items in advance of our trip and now they always look forward to finding out what they got – yes even my 17 year old still loves this tradition!

Listen to stories on CD if you are traveling by car or download them to an MP3 player for your child if you are taking a plane. You can get a ton of great stories at your local library. I have found I even enjoy listening to the stories – and when we take a break we end up talking about what has transpired while we have listened. It is a great way to engage everyone in one activity.

Summer is such a great time of year and has the potential to create such great, lasting memories for you and your family. I know for me, some of my most vivid memories are from summer vacations or activities we did as a family. I hope you have a few new ideas to incorporate into your summer plans and it is certainly one full of great memories!</b>

Susan Heid is the amazing mom and coach behind the The Confident Mom – Reviving the Art of Home & Family Management with practical tools so you can re-energize your role as a mom & develop your God-given potential! She is a proud mother of 3 awesome kids – ages 17, 13 and 9, married to her very own prince charming. She loves coffee, cloudy days, and does think the “bluest skies you’ve ever seen are in Seattle.”

None of us is as strong as all of us!

2010-05-23T22:16:00.000-07:00

What an amazing weekend!

I spend 3 days on training to become a Scream Free Certified Leader. ScreamFree Parenting is very much a revolutionary new option for parenting, that's is heart-centered. The beauty of it as I see it, is that it encourages parents to focus on themselves, grow themselves up, and calm themselves down. The ScreamFree Parenting principles support parents of all ages (with kids of all ages) in creating the families they not only have dreamed of but deserve.

One of the most amazing things I discovered for my own journey this weekend is the living expression of what my friend Amy Hillbrich Davis of Inspiring Moms told me once: none of us is as strong as all of us!

I feel so blessed to know there are other people, resources and programs out there that feel just as passionate as I do about changing the world. It's so exciting and encouraging! I love to connect with amazing people that understand that we change the world starting at the basic unit: the family.

I came across this story that illustrates the idea of supporting moms on the journey of motherhood in order for our world to be better for EVERYONE!

Did you hear about the farmer with great ears? Each year his yummy yellow corn won blue ribbons in corn competitions. When asked his secret by a journalist, this farmer replied, "I share my corn seed with all my neighbors." The journalist baffled, asked, "Huh?!?!" The farmer smiled,and explained: "It is like this.. the wind picks up pollen from ripening corn and cross-pollinates it from field to field. If my neighbors grow inferior corn, they lower the quality of my corn. Meaning, if I want to greedily grow the best-est corn ever, I must help my neighbors grow their best-est corn too".

I can personally testify that not only is it good for everyone when we all win. It also feels darn good!

Many blessings on your parenting journey!

Sandra

Look with your eyes not with your mouth!!

2010-05-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one?

Tonight as I was getting our daughter ready for bed, I had to remind her that she needed to stay in her room, as opposed to coming into mine every 5 minutes with some complaint: too cold, too itchy, too thirsty, my tummy hurts, my head hurts, my hair hurts!! YIKES!

I told her that it was time to go to bed and that she needed to stay in bed unless... But that was as long as I got before she rolled her eyes and repeated the same mantra I tell her every night: "unless I am on fire. I know mom, you've told me".

I have to admit that I have repeated them many times a day, some days more than others. The funny thing is that it seems that our 8 year old is completely immune to them: they have no effect in most anything she does! But I can guarantee you that next time the opportunity shows up, I'll say one of the infamous "momisms" that either I have made up myself or remember from my days growing up as the oldest of 3 daughters.

I hope I am not alone. I am sure the phrases we use vary from mom to mom, from family to family. Some times the words just roll off your tongue before you can think about them. This is particularly poignant when you swore, in the privacy of your own mind, that you would NEVER do what your mom did and repeat these useless phrases.

My big wake up call came the first time I heard our daughter then only 2, telling a friend who couldn't sit still at our dinner table, "if you eat, you sit". I stopped me on my tracks!

I wonder: is the fact that we do it just like our parents did, a sign that eventually the rote training takes?

Which "momisms" are you fond of?? I'd love to hear what you never thought would come out of your mouth and has!

Is your child ready for Kindergarten??

2010-05-18T22:13:00.000-07:00

It’s that time of the year when parents start thinking about the end of the school year and the decisions they need to make about pre-K or Kindergarten. Many questions come to mind: Will my child be ready to start in a classroom with a different routine? Is she learning everything she needs for Kindergarten readiness? Should I hold him back a year and wait for him to mature some more?

Many parents worry about their child’s first day in kindergarten, because they are concerned that the child might feel scared or lost, or that learning to get along with a group of new children might be overwhelming. Most children do just fine and are excited about entering into this new phase of their learning!
Here are 3 simple ideas to help you (and your child) prepare for the transition:

Keep it upbeat and positive. Keeping the topic of school positive and exciting is crucial. Make sure that anxiety and stress do not influence your child's feelings about starting school.
Be Sensitive. Validate your child's fears and reassure him that it is going to be all right. Make sure to remind him that he has succeeded in new challenges in the past, and will be fine with this new challenge too. You can use yourself as an example: share how you have been nervous in the past too about starting something new, like a new class, a new neighborhood or a new job. Also, remind your child of situation when he had felt the “jitters” in the past and how he handled it well, like a little league game or a piano recital.
Adjust Schedules Early. Don't wait until the day before school starts to give your child an earlier bedtime or wake up call. It will make everyone’s morning a lot less stressful if your child knows in advance what’s expected of him that first day of school.

It is also very helpful to meet his teacher before school starts and to walk the halls of his new school in mid-August. It will make both of you more comfortable and off to a great start!!!

No more Victoria Secret!!

2010-05-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

I got home today after picking up our daughter up from school. I checked the mail and had 5 catalogs in my mail box, none of which I had requested!! The funny thing is that I keep getting Victoria Secrets catalog even though there's no secret that since I had our daughter there's very little out of that catalog I feel like wearing!!

I was wondering if I was the only one who got inundated with catalogs just about every day. Here’s what I found: Americans get about 19 billion catalogs a year (at a cost of 53 million trees).

If you are anything like me and feel moved to do your part on saving trees and also save yourself from having to deal with a mailbox jammed with catalogs you don’t want: I discovered that you can change all that just by going and STOP all catalogs that are cluttering your mailbox and your home. Simply go to: www.catalogchoice.org and check off which catalogs you will gladly opt out of.

You can kiss waste good-bye and empower yourself to have a little less clutter to deal with. Every little piece of peace is always welcome!

What simple things are you doing to help you manage your home? I’d love to hear your ideas!

Motherhood: A work in progress!

2010-05-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

I was all prepared today to write some heartfelt, moving tribute to the most amazing job in the world: Motherhood, one fitting of such an auspicious day as Mother’s Day. Not that I think there’s only one day to celebrate moms: My husband has always told our daughter that although Mother’s Day is like a birthday where you highlight your gratitude for what your mom does, if that is the only time you are nice to Mom, we are in big trouble!

Well, it’s clear that no matter how long I am a mom, how many books I read or how much training I have: I have a long journey ahead of me. I still have to go back and ask for a “do-over”, take words back and tell my 8 year old “I am sorry, mommy messed up”.

Today was one of those days. We were working on our vegetable garden (please read “our vegetable garden”) and our daughter was loving the feel of the dirt under her fingers, the wind on her face, the warm sun after days of rain. She was fascinated about the fact that Life has a way of creating a whole plant out of a seed and even more marveled at the fact that the seed knew just what to do, given the right conditions. Yours truly was getting too warm and impatient, exasperated that our daughter was taking forever to pour more dirt, place the seeds and then had the audacity to take her sweet time writing the little labels so we could tell later what we were growing. I wanted to be done and move on to the next project for the day! I was totally focused on the next thing instead of enjoying every step of this process and the opportunity to see it through the eyes of a first timer: our curious 8 year old!

As I tried to move her along, she turned around and in frustration told me without hesitation: “Don’t rush me Mom. This is my garden too!” Ouch! It was at that moment that I realized I was missing out (again) on a great opportunity to enjoy the moment, right there, instead of being in a rush to get more done. I didn’t say a word for a minute or two. I took a deep breath and swallow my motherly, I-know-better-than-you-missy, I-have-so-much-to-do-today-thank-you-very-much attitude and said “You know what? You are right. I am sorry I am rushing you”.

So the moral of the story for me today is that no matter how many parenting books I have on my shelf or how many times I coach moms on being present and in the moment or how many clients I have successfully coached, one thing is for sure: Motherhood is a work in progress!!!

(this is the picture of our proud daughter and OUR vegetable garden!)

Your mission if you choose to accept it

2010-04-29T22:20:00.000-07:00

This post is going to be really short but very powerful. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to get a piece of paper and a pen (a journal, a notebook, a pad, a napkin... it doesn't matter what!) and write a list of what is beautiful, inspiring, loving, funny and unique about your child. I know that I often get caught up on the daily challenges and forget what an amazing human being my daughter truly is. I sometimes forget what a privilege it is for both of us to grow up together!
In the interest of authenticity and transparency, I will go first.

So here is my list (so far)

She has the deepest, shoe-button brown eyes you've ever seen!
She cares for everything and everyone in a way that makes me feel so proud
She is genuinely curious
She could tell jokes as soon as she could talk
She knows the strength of a girl
She thinks having brown skin is totally cool
She has hair that turns a beautiful auburn in the Summer sun
She has an artistic sense I totally envy
She's everything I wasn't allowed to be

Now, you try. You'll be surprised by the tears that start forming in your eyes as you re-discover the majesty of this life you brought forth and nourish everyday. Because you get it. You are a mom!

Bringing More Meaning Through Crisis

2010-04-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

It’s a day that I and my family will never forget: The day mommy was taken to the hospital on an ambulance! After 2 days in critical care, I found myself needing intensive medical care and facing the decision of terminating my reproductive years at age 42 via a hysterectomy. I found myself stunned, angry and a little confused.

As I plan for surgery in a few weeks, I took time to mourn the impending loss of my fertility and for a short while I was a bit angry. After shifting my focus to all that I had to be grateful for, I decided that if I allow my anger to rob me of my inner peace, I will impact those I love, and even myself in ways that did not serve me.
It has taken almost 2 weeks for me to get back in the rhythm of things and even know how to transition from that experience to writing again. I have learned in the process that every single challenge in my life is a chance to either turn away from what I know to be true, or to stand strong in who I am and move forward. I knew that I was given an opportunity once again, to get in touch with my deepest joy and inner drive: to do God’s work by extending myself to other moms on this journey I like to lovingly call “the wacky world of motherhood”.

After a crisis like this, I was reminded of how fragile life is, how vulnerable and mortal we all are. How our days are borrowed and not a minute is promised to any of us. Now when I take a breath, when I taste a piece of apple or sip a cup of hot tea, or kiss my husband or daughter good-bye, I realize that these are all precious gifts. All this business of doing the business of life that seemed so critical, the phone calls, the errands, the endless to-do lists, are once again less important than connecting with those I love and those I serve through my work. I have decided to be mindful of every single moment. I know…… that is such a cliché, such a platitude until you are the one on the Emergency Room!

I invite you to take no day for granted. Truly embrace every moment by celebrating it and being fully present in it. That will definitely guarantee more meaning to our lives WITHOUT having to go through a crisis to be reminded!

What can you do today to celebrate and be present with your loved ones?

5 ideas to tame back talk

2010-04-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

In the previous articles I shared some thoughts about what constitutes back talk and how we as parents have a decisive influence on how our children learn respect for themselves and for the world around them. Children imitate behaviors from peers and from family members and sometimes enjoy using that as a tool to get a reaction from us, good or bad!

It was interesting that I had more conversations with friends and clients these past weeks about back talking than any other parenting concern!
Sometimes the use of seemingly disrespectful tones and attitudes is a reflection of their inability to ask for what they need: to be listened to and/or treated respectfully. Our children are negotiating the world around them and don’t always have the appropriate tools to do that.

Here are some ideas for you to consider if you find yourself angry on a regular basis and wondering if you are raising a juvenile delinquent:

1.    Teaching your child proper manners is a way to start at an early age to show them what behavior, tone and language is expected of them. Showing your child that it is courteous to say “thank you” when someone gives them a gift or that it is polite to wait until you are off the phone instead of pulling on your shirt or yelling at you.

2.    One step you can take to start changing the back talking situation is by setting clear limits and boundaries as well as consequences for transgressions. Let your child know clearly and lovingly what behavior is not acceptable and make those your “family rules”. In our home, we have the rule that if you “hit you sit”, making it clear to even the smallest child that there are clear and definite consequences if she decides to use her fists instead of her words. Kids need to know what is expected of them but they also need to know that the rules apply consistently!

3.    When you are correcting your child’s disrespectful behavior, make sure to watch your own tone and body language: it’s much easier to be respectful and polite when our kid hasn’t pushed our buttons! Use a firm but respectful tone and tell your child what you want from him instead of what you don’t want. It is most helpful to say: “I see you using your fighting words. I need you to lower your voice and use respectful words” instead of “you better watch that mouth or I’ll wash it with soap”.

4.    Make sure to take the time to be a detective and find all the times when your child IS using his manners and choosing to act respectfully. The more you do that the more they learn that you “see” them in their wholeness as a person, not just as the brat that you are always nagging at. You encourage more of the behavior you want by focusing on what is already working!

5.    If you notice that your child’s behavior and backtalk seems to be aggravated by the company of certain friends or after watching certain TV shows or listening to certain music, you may have to make some hard choices about what your child listens to, watches and the people they are allowed to hang out with.

Trust your mommy instincts: if you feel hurt and angry, check in with yourself first. You have what you need to decide if the situation is or is not backtalk. I trust you!

Back talk first aid!

2010-04-01T03:33:00.000-07:00

Determining what constitutes back talk is just as challenging as diagnosing when it occurs. I know sometimes when our daughter is simply getting frustrated because I am not listening or I am trying to do the proverbial “multitasking”, I can interpret her attempts to communicate as back talk. How do I assess the difference when I am tired, sick or simply overwhelmed? I know that at 8 years old, our daughter is still learning all the intricacies of communicating effectively and getting her point across. It’s also important that I create space for her to question what I asked of her, not as an act of defiance as much as a matter of learning. When our children ask “why” we have a great opportunity to teach them how to become and adult, how we navigate the world of decisions and demands.

By giving our children the benefit of the doubt, we can choose to respond to their question without feeling like it’s a personal attack on our authority. Sometimes a question is just that: a request for information. Determine the context, the tone and your own personal “hot buttons” before deciding if your child’s comment is indeed back talk. You can save everyone a lot of aggravation by responding and not reacting!

Remember, for effective parenting, only one of you can be having a meltdown at a time!

What did YOU just say?

2010-03-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

When it comes to a clear and concise definition of back talking and sassy attitude, each one of us has a different answer: it’s kind of like describing to someone else how spicy is this? The answer will depend on many different variables. I think most of us would agree though, on some basic, generic behavior that we have seen in either our own kids or maybe on our friends’ kids: rolling of the eyes, twisting of the mouth, hands on the hips, dirty looks combined with the “duh mom” look.

Have you noticed that this kind of behavior seems more and more prevalent and showing up at earlier and earlier ages? “It’s clearly happening with younger kids,” says Michele Borba, author of Don’t Give Me That Attitude! “I’m constantly in the schools as an educational consultant, and teachers, who have the upper hand on seeing the new trends with kids, can tell you that it’s escalating. We’re not talking about just being impolite, but swearing and flippant behavior. It’s like pollution; it didn’t happen overnight.”

I won’t spend too much time arguing about where this behavior comes from: media, friends, and even family members! Disrespectful behavior is a “trend” on most popular sitcoms where back-talk is viewed as humorous while disrespect for authority is comical. I also know I have been guilty of a sarcastic remark that I heard “replayed” out of my child’s mouth later on.

I know that you may be surprised at your child’s behavior and may even be tempted to think that she didn’t get that from you. We are indeed our children’s first teachers and we definitely have a part on this wave of disrespectful behavior. It’s crucial that we behave in the way we expect kids to behave! No more, do as I say not as I do!

Since we have no real control over what other people say or do, it’s important to consider this task one better addressed at home. It’s imperative that we model respectful behavior to our kids and remember that they are always watching how we deal with the lady at the grocery store, the clue-less driver on the freeway or the annoying telemarketer on the phone. Are we using sarcasm as a means of communication or humor?

What goes around comes around. What are getting back? Your words, attitudes and actions are like boomerangs: they will come back out of your kids’ mouths!

If you want more support, ideas and tools to deal with back talk, join me on Monday April 5th and 12th from 6:00 to 7:15 PST (9:00 to 10:15 EST)

for an open and frank 2-part teleseminar!

More details by clicking here

Voting with your dollars, your words and your attention!

2010-03-22T23:28:00.000-07:00

I had a really nice conversation tonight with a very good friend of mine, someone who I admire and respect and who always bring a smile to my heart. I always like to “pick her brain” and hope to learn from her wisdom and experience, even if only by osmosis!

I shared with her that sometimes I felt a little helpless when I thought about all the things I wanted to do with my life, with my time and with my skills: all the ways I wanted to change the world. I feel so passionate about the work that I do with the families I serve that I get frustrated that the day only has 24 hours when I need more like 36 to give my work and my family life all the time they deserve.

Without getting into too much rhetoric about the many ways one can get involved in making the world a better place, my friend shared some of her thoughts on it: she told me that I may be surprise that simply well-placed “votes” can effectively improve the quality of my life and of life on Earth.

Instead of thinking of dollars, words, actions and minutes as such, we can choose to think of them as our very own, personal votes. It hit me that every time we use our money or give our attention to something, we are in effect “voting” for those thoughts, ideas, businesses, products, services or activities, imparting life into them and allowing them to grow. The reverse is also true: when we withhold our money and time from those same things, like a plant without water and food, they eventually wither and fade away for lack of nourishment. We must then “cultivate” and nourish with our very powerful votes those things we want to see grow: our children, our communities, our personal lives.

If we decide as parents, to stop focusing and talking incessantly about how much our child is irritating us and instead, choose to speak about whatever is inspiring, funny, loving about our kids, we start seeing them in a different light: they are not a problem to solve but a life to guide and grow. We are voting for loving relationships with our kids!

What are you voting for today?

A parenting road map

2010-03-11T16:48:00.000-08:00

Our children grow up way too fast. I remember when our daughter was first born: everyone would tell us “enjoy her, it goes by fast”. At the time it seemed like an obvious platitude. There were many endless nights when no one was getting any sleep and I wondered if my life would ever be the same again.

Now, as she’s nearing 9 years old, I realize more and more the importance of living in the present and avoiding the future painful “what ifs” and “if onlys”. I am learning that it’s easier to parent from a place of responding rather than reacting to your child, attempting to ensure and experience colored with courage, grace, humor and flexibility.

If you have lost touch with your dreams for your family, entangled in guilt and feelings of inadequacy, it’s not too late to recall the reason why you feel in love with that little person that is your child and claim that dream back.

If you need help getting a hold of that family dream again, ask yourself some very simple questions:

1.    When was the last time your kids made you laugh?
2.    What do you love to do with your kids now?
3.    What do other people tell you is nice about your kids?

I believe that entertaining the answers to these questions can help you find your way back to the joy of parenting, as it was meant to be. I invite you to honor where you are in you parenting journey; be gentle with yourself.

Remember you are really OK just the way you are even as you learn to become the parent you were meant to be!

What dreams do YOU have for your family? I'd love to hear anything you want to share!

The lord (or lady) of the Wii game!

2010-03-08T13:26:00.000-08:00

There’s a lot that makes parenting a challenging endeavor: I believe that’s not so much whether a piece of advice is good or bad, but how to sort it all out that becomes a struggle sometimes.
When we establish rules in our home, things like limits on screen time or what constitutes healthy snacks for example, we can find ourselves setting up precedents we don’t really want for our kids. In our home, screen time (i.e. TV, computer games or Wii) are privileges that our daughter earns as a reward for appropriate behavior and effort. We have decided that for our family, sitting in front of a screen for long periods of time (truly, long periods of time depends on who you ask and most importantly, how old your kid is!) is not the ideal way we want to spend our time. A few days ago, I was a little out of sorts. I was a little tired, cranky before it became time to go get our daughter from school.
When we got home, I managed to guide her through doing her homework and her chores. She was “stalling” when it came to the chores and I was running out of patience. She finally finished and had her hour of playing Wii, a reward that she gets when her stuff is done. The hour was up and she asked me very sweetly (as only an cute 8-year-old can do!)if she could have one more hour of Wii play time. And you know what? I said yes!

Now you may be asking, what’s wrong with that? The kid did her homework and chores; why not let her play another hour on the Wii? Well, there’s truly nothing intrinsically wrong with my decision. I was too tired to think through an alternative to the extra hour in front of the game. My decision, however, didn’t support my family’s value of limited screen time and it didn’t teach her how to find something else to entertain herself with. I said yes because I wanted to relax and not have to do anything at that time. It was arbitrary. The next day, my daughter asked me again for an extra hour of screen time. Since there was no rhyme or reason other than my own need to have some downtime, it was more difficult to explain even to myself, why that day it wasn’t OK to have an extra hour. There’s a difference between being flexible and being arbitrary. You see, in her mind, the circumstances were the same, the criteria seemed the same. The truth is, I wasn’t offering the extra hour playing Wii as a reward but as temporary distraction. And when you have a intense, smart, strong willed child like mine, that’s simply an opportunity to “bend” the rules any good-old time!

I know.. you are probably thinking, then what was I supposed to do? I guess what this requires of me is looking at my parenting decisions in the big picture and that’s not always convenient. I’ve decided that our daughter and I will sit down and create quiet time activities that she can do for 30 minutes on her own while I take a break if I am tired or not feeling good. This alternative is more in alignment with what our values as a family are: everyone needs to decide those for their own family.

So I guess it is off to the $$dollar store to find some inexpensive craft items that she finds interesting. Preparation pays off!

When was the last time you found yourself giving in as a “quick fix” and realized later it didn’t really worked for the long term?

Our children: Loving what is!

2010-02-28T08:34:00.000-08:00

Last week, I was working with a lovely client in my coaching practice and it was clear to me she was stuck on all the negative things her kids were doing. It’s hard to parent from that place, isn’t it? I asked her to recall a particular time when she was happy and fulfilled with her kids in every way. As she moved into that space of remembering all the amazing things she knew to be true about her kids, she was moved to tears. Love is present when you are willing to tap into it!

How do you, as a parent participate in your children’s lives? How do you actually feel about your children? Do you wish they were somehow different? Do you resent what’s going on with them? Do you think they need “fixing”?

The longer I am on this parenting journey, I realize that as long as our kids are not hurting themselves or anyone else, they are likely to be in better shape than we think. Even when your kids drive you crazy, you are more likely to be raising a fine human being than a juvenile delinquent right now! I encourage this mom I was working with to begin to see that her kids came into this world whole, perfect and complete. It’s a powerful practice to allow everyone in our life a safe space to grow, respecting them for who they are, regardless of seeming “appearances” at any given time. This doesn’t mean that you relinquish your responsibility as parents: it means that you allow your kids to experience life, while providing them with guidelines, boundaries and consistency. You are the calm and cool parent your children need you to be!

Let’s give up the idea that our children are “broken” and need fixing: our children are growing and need support and guidance. And you are the best person for the job!

Remember: you don’t get the kids that you want; you get the kids that you NEED!

Where are you on your patience meter?

2010-02-18T07:45:00.000-08:00

Has anyone told you "Patience is a virtue"...? I wonder why the saying is not something like: "keeping yourself from shipping your children to your in-laws is a virtue". I guess that is because one edge of "growth" for me has been developing patience, as a parent and with myself.

I have learned that one of the places where patience can really create a sacred space of connection is when someone comes to tell you something important to them: your best friend, your partner, your children. Taking the time to listen, patiently and openly truly pays off. Whether it is to your partner's tale about work or your child's story about how she messed up at piano lessons, waiting, rather than pushing things forward is the biggest gift your can offer the ones you love.

Sometimes, the only way for me to move into that space of patience is by taking what seems like a million deep breaths along with a gentle bite of my tongue. Today was one of those opportunities: my 8 year old daughter cried her eyes out to me as she shared how she had been left out from one of her classmates birthday parties. My first instinct was to try to comfort her and to make her feel better. It's hard to see your kid hurting. I chose to listen and empathize, to give words to her feelings. I held her next to me and told her how sorry I was that she had not being invited. I truly let her talk and didn't try to change the way she was feeling. I was patient! We sat there for a few minutes and when she was ready, she got up. Later, she told me how she can always tell me "her stuff" since I understand her because I am a "girl" too.

I am still learning how to enter into the experiment of waiting in the energy and space of love for the one I am listening to. I have a feeling I will have many more opportunities to practice these newly developed skills!

Is patience one of your strong points? How are you challenged in the "patience" department?

She gets that from YOU!

2010-02-14T20:24:00.000-08:00

Have you ever listen to your child speak and realize that you are listening to a “mini-version” of your spouse? Do you smile or cringe?

My husband and I are very, very different in so many ways. He is a first generation “German-American” while I am a transplant from the tropical lands of Central America. My parents were very involved in the education of all of us (3 girls) in a modern society that still had some vestige of machismo and chauvinism. My dad taught us girls to be self-sufficient and be able to take care of ourselves, always. My husband’s parents were concerned with surviving in what seemed like a hostile environment coming from small towns in Germany after WWII.

So, you get the picture. Here comes daughter who’s trying to figure her own way around this complicated world we live in. I am proud that since English is my second language, I have put great emphasis on her grammar, pronunciation, vocabulary and expressive skills. I have taught her my native Spanish and shared with her the beauty of my native Panama. I have taught her to cook, to knit, to bake but most of all, I have taught her the importance of compassion, generosity , empathy and acceptance.

My husband has taken care of other aspects of her upbringing, that are just as important: pride in her school work, the rewards of getting past the fear and trying something new, the incredible importance of play, what appropriate affection looks like, and the love for the arts.
When it comes to parenting this very inquisitive, savvy, eloquent, stubborn, sassy 8 year-old, we find ourselves in the land of conflict many times: eat everything in your plate vs. eat until your tummy is full, go to your room and sit on the bed doing nothing vs. go in your room and read a book until you are ready to talk respectfully; you eat what has been prepared vs. you can make yourself a healthy alternative; you do not talk back at all vs. I’ll am listening if you speak kindly.
We don’t disagree in front of her. We honor what the other one has decided on a specific situation and give her room to “complain” to the other parent, many times in an attempt to change the outcome of the discipline efforts. She NEVER finds that alternative a reality. But at least, she gets to give her feelings a voice without offending or disregarding the parent that gave the final word.
This morning, I heard our daughter say: I don’t know what the hell that was about! She was referring to something that had happened on a new Wii game she was playing with her dad. Now, that’s my husband talking. I can’t tell you how annoyed I was. Half of the time I feel I spend “translating” to our daughter my husband colloquial English: “that’s bad” actually means something is really cool. Someone “peels the shirt” means they take it off and so on.
Why can’t she repeat the things I tell her: People first, money second, things third (Suze Orman’s mantra). Or, “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit”. Or, “what matters is what’s on the inside”. Or yet, “Shake your bootie”.. Ok, it can’t all be appropriate!

As I am writing this in my office upstairs, I can hear them laughing hysterically downstairs. Our daughter has challenged him to a game of Wii and they are teasing each other about who is going to “smoke” who. She giggles and he laughs listening to her. She offers him a piece of her Valentine’s candy. I hear her ask him what he wants her to make him for Valentine’s day. His answer is: make me…….. smile! And my heart melts for this man that I adore and who is more than half of who she is at any given time.

My grandma had many wise words of advice and one thing she always told me: Only marry the guy that if your children turned out just like him, you’d be Ok with that. You know what? I did.

The power of support for busy parents!

2010-02-11T08:49:00.000-08:00

It takes a village to raise a child....

No question: Parents need support and lots of it.We all have heard how critical it is to have support when it comes to parenting. The toughest job in the world and we find ourselves some times feeling isolated. For many parents these days, family and friends just aren’t available, perhaps because of location, schedule issues or some other reasons. Luckily, there’s a growing list of groups and activities where parents can connect with one another!

The key is to be clear on your personal values and what your priorities are. I have enjoyed the friendship and support from my playgroup mommies on the 8 years we have been together. Although we don't agree on every single choice we make, we share a general similarity on our approaches as well as our priorities. That consensus has allowed us to trust each other with our kids because we know that we all want similar things for our families.

So, if you are feeling like you are all alone with the struggles that you face raising your children, reach out for a local group of moms who share similar interests and values: MOPS groups, library story time, Gymboree classes, regular park meetings. They are all good ways to start to connect and find like-minded souls that can enrich your journey through the wacky world of motherhood!

It takes a village... to make a parent!

Do you belong to a group of other parents? How did you find your group? What criteria did you use to determine if they were a good match for you and your family

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Do you have what it takes to turn off that TV???

2010-01-29T08:50:00.000-08:00

8 year-old: But moooom.. I proooomised you that I will give away 3 stuff animals if you just get me this really cute one!

Me: Sweetheart, you already have at least 10 different puppies and you don't even play with them!

8 year-old: But this one is soooo much cuter than the other ones! Pleeeease! I would do anything to get this one!(as the pitch on the voice gets higher and whinier!)

Me: The answer still is no. I told you we are not buying another stuff animal for you. We have to be very responsible with our money, you know? It's very important to make good choices and I am choosing to use our money differently.

8 year-old: You are such a meanie! I wish I was the mommy and I could tell YOU how to spend the money!

From then on, it was sigh after sigh, rolling of the eyes and finally crying. You get the picture, right? I thought to myself: "how old do kids need to be before you can leave them

in the car by themselves?” I took a deep breath and remember Rule#1: Only one of you can be having a meltdown at a time. I took another deep breath: Rule#2: Never forget rule#1.

I decided to be curious instead of angry. She knew I wasn't happy with her response and I let her know that there would be consequences once we got home: No television or playing Wii for today. I had to seriously wonder, where was this constant need for material stuff coming from? It seemed like every day she was wanting more and more things, regardless of the fact that I continued to make trips to the local thrift store to unload things she no longer uses! Why were we not able to go anywhere without her asking for me to buy something? My husband and I have been really mindful about not getting caught in competing with neighbors and friends and remind each other regularly of all the blessings we have to be thankful for.

Then it finally hit me: I had been allow this impressionable 8-year-old to have unsupervised TV in the last 3 weeks as I spend time in search of a part-time job. I had stopped sitting with her while she watched TV and reminding her how the advertising agencies wanted to make sure to create in her head the idea that she needed all these things she saw in the commercials. I had gotten complacent about my responsibility to guide my child through the maze that is discerning what she needs vs. what she wants when she's bombarded every 7 minutes with the call to shop for something new!

I came across a statistic that says that the average American child is expose to forty thousand advertising messages each year and that corporations spend nearly $15 billion annually to market to kids under 12! Doesn't that blow your mind? Our children are the proverbial "canary" in the coal mine and as I lost my way (temporarily) focusing on the immediate needs, she was there to remind me. It was clear that I had missed the mark this time so I decided that it was time to cut back on the amount of time she spends in front of the TV!

As a family, we also decided to do a gratitude journal: More than going around the table and telling each other what we were grateful for, we each are going to write 5 things EVERY night that we were grateful for. Whenever we are disappointed or feel we don't have all the "bells and whistles" we want, we will take a minute and look at the list. I know.. It sounds so simple yet, it really speaks to refocusing our attention to what really matters: our family and friends!

I invite you to start right now asking your kids what they are grateful for and what makes them happy. I be you it won't be "things". Share Suze Orman's mantra: PEOPLE, MONEY and THEN things!

I'd love to hear how you handle the materialistic impulses of your children!

3 Simple Ways To Gracefully say "Thank You"

2010-01-24T23:30:00.000-08:00

I was having lunch with a girlfriend the other day: she's by far one of the classiest, most beautiful and interesting women I know. She's funny and she's wise and she doesn't look her 57 years of age, whatever that means these days.

I happened to mention that I loved the color blue she was wearing, a beautiful pashmina wrapped around her upper body. I told her how it made her eyes "stand out". She immediately deflected the compliment and waved her hand while telling me how old the wrap was and how she needed to get a new one.

Why is it, that many of us women, have such a hard time accepting a compliment? Why are we so quick to "poo-pooh" every bit of flattery that we receive? Haven't we earned the right to be praised for our accomplishments even if they seem as mundane as great taste in picking the right color?

I have to admit I used to be one of those women who had a hard time taking a compliment of any kind. One day, years ago, a very good friend of mine shared how offended she was that I had not accepted her gift: to her, my refusal to accept a well-deserved compliment, felt as if I had returned a present she had picked out especially for me. Right then and there I got it.. and never again ran so quickly to deflect or minimize honest, genuine, loving praise.

I am so grateful for that lesson. Using the following these tips has helped me stay "on track":

1. Acknowledge the kindness of the compliment or praise: If a co-worker admires your beautiful shoes or your new hairstyle, do not dismiss it. Instead, respond with a simple "thank you". That's it, you don't' have to say much more than that.

2. Silence the inner critic: Take a deep breath and shift the negative thinking to a kinder internal dialogue. Your brother-in-law didn't say you were very photogenic because he thinks you look less attractive in real life but simply because you look fabulous on that wedding photo!

3. Be gracious and grateful: Even if it's difficult for you to believe the compliment, recognize that from the point of view of the soul offering you the praise, it was well intentioned and you can be grateful that they decided to share it with you!

Remember, your children are watching you. What a great lesson in confidence for your little ones when mommy can give AND accept a compliment!

P.S.: Can you remember the last time you refused a compliment? Is it easier to accept a compliment from others when it comes to your kids? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one!

.

2010-01-18T20:43:00.000-08:00

Moms of young children!

You can reclaim the joy of parenting!

·Are you a mom of a young child ages 2 to 12 feeling exhausted and at the end of your rope?

·Do you feel your 3 year-old is running the show and you are learning on the job?

·You want to respond in a better way when your 8 year old pushes your buttons?

·Tired of yelling and screaming at your 10 year-old?
If your answer is YES to any of these questions you are not alone!

Are you ready for a joyful experience in parenting?

Request your copy of my free eBook:

The Art of Effective Parenting: 10 Ideas to a more Peaceful, Rewarding and Fun Parenting Experience

Get your free ebook with 10 ideas on how to do just that!

The Myth of the Career from Home MOM

2010-01-13T14:21:00.000-08:00

It has been over 3 months since I became "God-employed": very blessed, very happy and working harder than ever but without a steady paycheck. If you want to know a little bit about that "infamous" day three months ago that changed everything, click here.

Anyway, I have been growing my coaching business and feeling blissful about doing what I love most: supporting moms in the most amazing and challenging jobs of their lives, MOTHERHOOD. It's one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.I have read enough about starting my own business, how to market it, how to use social media, etc. I have taken dozens of seminars and listen to experts talk about the perfect way to improve my business and have the freedom that comes from working from home.

For someone like me, who went from being a Manufacturing Engineer to Motherhood in what seems like a nano-second, I knew deep down inside that my DNA had changed completely once my daughter was born. Showing up in the world in integrity with my calling and my values became my mission. That's part of the reason why I became a parent coach. The journey has been one of many wonderful, inspiring moments and of times when I was sure I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Sound familiar?

Don't get me wrong: I don't want to discourage anyone from pursuing their dreams and following their hearts. I am just realizing how much being a mom mirrors the experience that I am having with my business. Just like in motherhood, no books or seminars or classes, can possible prepare you for the ups and downs that both, moms and moms in business face every day! It's not always the perfect picture that we see in magazines or the ideal situation we read about. It takes work and a lot of work at that!

Would I change the opportunity of raising this amazing soul that is our daughter? Not for all the gold in the world. Is it always easy? Nope. Do I feel like pulling my hair out one minute only to feel like the most blessed human being the next? Absolutely. I guess you can say, I am raising another "child", The Soulful Parent, with just as many tantrums, bad days and emotional, up-lifting moments. Would I change it for a life in the corporate world again? I guess you probably already know the answer to that: ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY not!

Let me ask you something: Do you have any project in your life that feels like giving birth and raising another child? Has parenting taught you anything about how to deal with the challenges of a project like your own business, a non-profit project, or a remodeling job at home? I would love to hear what you have to say!

Mommy, your belly is squishy and jiggly!

2010-01-08T02:25:00.000-08:00

Some times I miss snuggling with my now 8-year-old to watch TV or read a book. From the days when she was a baby, we always enjoy cuddling and having reading time together. As she gets older, those times seem more sporadic than I would like them to be, as she takes piano lessons and participates on Girl Scouts or has play dates after school.

Today, for some strange reason, she was willing to stop whatever she was doing and sit to read with me. Out of nowhere, she turned around and poked at my belly: Mommy, you are kind of round. Your belly is squishy and jiggly!

Yikes!! It's a good thing that I am in my early 40's and somehow have lost the need to fit into the size 6 many seem to think it's the ideal size. I am learning to focus on being healthy more than on looking like, I don't know, Kathy Ireland or Kim Kardashian. At home we do our best to not talk about diets or fat but focus more on healthy eating and the need for some physical activity. We also are mindful of not talking about our own bodies in a negative way.

I have to be honest: I was just a little uncomfortable with her comment and not sure how to respond. I didn't want to put “weight” (pun totally intended) on the weight issue, but wonder what was going through her head. I asked her what she thought of my belly being jiggly: she said she thought it was funny! I told her that my jiggly belly was a sign that mommy needed to get moving more to get her belly stronger. What else could I have said? She didn't think about it again and we continued to read comfortably with her head resting on my “jiggly belly”.

I hope that the fact that I have “real” women of all shapes, sizes and colors, women she loves and who love her very much, offsets the “ideal image” she's constantly watching on TV and on advertisements. I can only hope!

Have you ever had your child make a comment about your weight, your shape or your looks that left you speechless?

Motherhood = Trial and Error

2010-01-03T22:46:00.001-08:00

Do you ever feel like you’re driving on autopilot and your GPS stopped working, so you’re not sure where you’re headed? Yesterday was one of those days for me. I felt that no amount of parenting books or classes or training could have helped me step into my parenting role in an effective way. My back was in serious pain and the Ibuprofen I took didn't help. I had deadlines and work to do and things to do, posts to write, emails to answer.

I had been unpacking boxes and moving things around during the Holiday break. I had also been spending a lot of time writing curriculum for my next Teleseminar, sitting in front of the computer and catching up with emails. Our daughter had started to feel ignored and as any 8 year-old girl she decided to use the technique she has discovered works best when mom is frazzled: guilt!

The dog needed to go out to play and she wanted me to go with her. I explained that I was in the middle of working and couldn't stop. She put her arms on her hips (a common pose these days) and looked me straight in the face and said: You like that computer more than you like me!

What a great opportunity for me, the parent coach, the trained professional to have recognized that her sassiness was a call for one-on-one time more than an act of defiance. Guess what? I failed the test! I turned around and gave her a harsh look and a scolding answer , which guaranteed me the proverbial answer : You are a meanie! as she went crying to her room.

I was sooo mad at her for having the audacity to interrupt my moment of inspiration!

I don't need to tell you that exactly 30 seconds after that thought crossed my mind, I went into full mommy-guilt mode. I apologized to her and at first she didn't accept my apology. I knew I had blown it and my husband had watched it all without saying a word. I don't mind messing up as long as it is in private: that's much easier to do. But I had a witness! I allowed our daughter to have her space to be mad at me and later we ended up making up. That's one of the beautiful things about young children: their innate ability to forgive and move on!

Do you remember a time when you were "less" than your ideal parent? What did you do about it? I sure would love to know!

Is parenting from love effective?

2010-01-03T03:00:00.000-08:00

I love this time of the year. I love the opportunity to ride the wave of excitement that is felt all over the world as many of us decide to declare our intentions for the new year. One of my intentions for 2010 is to have a more powerful and meaningful experience as a human being and as a mom.

I shared this particular intention with a good friend of mine who is also decided to have an amazing parenting experience this year. She asked me (as always) a very good question: How do you show your child your love and still parent appropriately?

I believe that being positive in your parenting style does not mean that you don't discipline your children. That's the difference between discipline and punishment. With discipline you still get to teach your kid a valuable lesson, lovingly. You let your child know that you only disapprove of the immediate action but not of him as a person. It allows you to come from love. Punishment on the other hand, only stops the behavior in the moment. Assuming the behavior we are talking about is not life-threating to anyone involved, at the end of the day, punishment doesn't really teach a child much.

I believe that as we focus on the amazing people our kids are (even when they are screaming bloody murder at the grocery store!) the easier it becomes to come from love at those tough times.

My invitation to you is to envision the family you want. What do you want your home to look like? What kind of future do you want? What do you want your relationship with your children to be like? The more you envision and work on designing the desired outcome, the more likely it is to happen.

What are your dreams and goals for this year? What would it take to get there? Let's join together in making this our best year in parenting yet!

Here's to a parenting year pack-full of loving, expanding, enriching experiences!

Sandra

Gratitude for 2009

2009-12-30T13:29:00.001-08:00

Well, it's almost time to say goodbye to 2009. It seems like just a couple of months ago that I was sitting down with my journal and writing down my intentions for this year and here we are, almost done.

I love this time of the year. I love the energy that is almost palpable, as people all around the world, pause to take a look at what the last year has brought to them and for them. I love to revisit my dreams and see what came to pass, what didn't and the surprises in between. I am always amazed about how many wishes manifested in ways that I could have never imagined: amazing people I've met, learning opportunities encountered and the chances to strengthen my personal faith.

One of my favorite things to do is make a list of what I am grateful to from the perspective of the passing year. It sets the tone for how I want to begin the year because I believe very strongly, that gratitude is the prelude to dreams coming true in many ways I can't even understand.

So, here is my list of 15 reasons for abiding gratitude in 2009:

1. My health and that of many of the people I love dearly.

2. The fact that I still get to talk to my parents, even if far away.

3. The support of my amazing husband who doesn't understand my journey half of the time, yet encourages me just the same.

4. The never ending learning in the laboratory of life that I get to have by consciously parenting the incredible little soul that is our 8 year old daughter!

5. Our new home. A blessing in ways I can't even comprehend.

6. The power of the love and undying support from my friends, my tribe, my peeps.

7. The opportunity to live my life's passion through my work as a parent coach and educator

8. The traveling I got to do this year, connecting with very special family and friends.

9. The trust of so many people that believed that there was a place for The Soulful Parent in this world.

10. The fact that I not only have access to so many great books, but that I have the ability to read them and learn from them.

11. The convenience of a tool I love for entertaining, educating and relaxing: my trusty i Pod (thank you honey!)

12. The deep reconnection with my dog and my understanding that he's part of the "bigger" plan in my life.

13. The fact that regardless of how you feel about politics, I love living in a country where I don't have to worry about my family finding my body in a ditch because I disagreed with somebody.

14. The daily gifts of birds in my backyard, squirrels on the trees, stars bright as diamonds now that we live a little bit farther away from "civilization"

15. The absolutely humbling fact that there's someone out there other than me, that is reading this!

What are you grateful to 2009 for?

Here's to a successful, abundant, expanding 2010!

Sandra Huber-CEO
Chief Encouraging Officer
The Soulful Parent
www.thesoulfulparent.com
www.twitter.com/soulfulparent
www.thesoulfulparent.blogspot.com

Is your child a quitter?

2009-12-29T04:00:00.000-08:00

I know. I personally don't believe it is a good idea to label our children because once we do, we act from that place and our expectations become locked into that label.

I have wondered in the last couple of years, when we have gone from trying Tae-Kwon-Do, ballet, cheer leading, pottery, swimming and piano lessons, if my 8 year-old simply is not able to stick with one activity.

Our last "struggle" came after a week of not practicing the piano because of Christmas. My husband decided our daughter needed to resume her daily practice of 20 minutes to honor her agreement to keep up her skills. I tell you, it would have been easier to extract a tooth from an alligator than it was to convince her of the value of keeping up the practice. She sat in front of the piano, in complete defeat, crying that she didn't know how to "do it". The first thing that went through my mind (and I am glad it stayed there!) was how much I wanted to scream that she was being an ungrateful, little stinker. My husband, with his infinite patience took over immediately once I gave him "the look". He knows that look means "I am done with YOUR child: you need to take over". She continued to whine and protest and eventually did start playing and did an excellent job.

For the next two days we had the same situation: power struggles every single day. After a call to my good friend Susan, I realized that even though this was a great opportunity for our daughter, it was important for me to "let go" of my need for her to appreciate it and to enjoy it. The fact remained, I couldn't make her do it and I wasn't willing to fight about it every single day.

On the way to her piano lessons, I calmly told her she only needed to finish her lessons until the end of January and after that she was free to quit. I told her that as an 8 year old she gets to make some choices and this was one of them: if she didn't want to do piano anymore, I wasn't going to force her.

No sooner had I finish saying that last sentence, when I hear from the back of the car: I AM NOT QUITING! You can't make me quit. I will continue to do my piano lessons because I like them. I don't want to quit. And that's final!

Parenting is an adventure: Most of the time I can appreciate that no matter how many books I've read, how many degrees I have and how many classes I teach/take, there's no substitute for the "hands-on" experience my 8 year-old offers me everyday! You never know how anything you do is truly going to turn out. She's establishing her independence while I am establishing a nice set of gray hair.

How have you taken the "struggle" out of your power struggles? Do you have any stories to share? I'd love to hear them!

Wishing you the best Holiday Season yet!

2009-12-23T22:53:00.001-08:00

As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to to the same~~ Marianne Williamson

I want to wish you the best Holiday Season and may your light shine brightly now and all year round!
It's said that even a lone blooming flower, (for example a poinsettia since 'tis the season) uplifts the world. Just imagine how each one of you with the humongous task of raising amazing children uplifts the world. Shining your light at home and in the hearts of those you love!

Let's celebrate. Let's shine!

Warmly,

Sandra Huber-CEO
Chief Encouraging Officer
The Soulful Parent

What our kids can teach us about the power of forgiveness!

2009-12-19T21:18:00.000-08:00

It is hard to tell what our kids know and understand about forgiveness. We ask them to say "I am sorry" to their friends if they hurt them, even if they obviously don't mean it. We show them by example by coming back and apologizing if we don't handle their behavior in the kind and respectful manner we intend to.

Yet, I still wonder what my own child understands about the power of forgiveness.

Marissa: I remember that "Cindy" (her very best friend in the world) made fun of me in front of everybody 3 years ago when we were in Kindergarten

Me: Hmmmm.. you have really good memory. Are you still mad at her for what she did in Kindergarten?

Marissa: Noooo..(now with an annoyed look on her face) I was just telling you a story about my friend Cindy.

Me: But I have heard that story a few times now and I wonder if you have forgiven Cindy for acting like that when you were in Kindergarten.

Marissa: Moooom... of course I have forgiven Cindy.. She's my best friend!

Me: How do you know you have forgiven Cindy?

Marissa: Because when I think of what happened, I remember it in my head not in my heart!

That's the power of true forgiveness as I learned it from an 8 year old. What lessons have you learned about forgiveness??

Opposites are Necessary!

2009-12-15T20:07:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you but I sometimes wonder how to best teach our daughter the qualities we want her to grow into. I came across this poem and felt the reassurance that where she's at at every stage of her development is part of the process and therefore, OK. I can learn to love all aspects of her as I discover the whole of who she's becoming!

If you want your children to be generous

you must first allow them to be selfish

If you want them to be disciplined.

you must first allow them to be spontaneous.

If you want them to be hard-working,

You must first allow them to be lazy.

This is a subtle distinction,

and hard to explain to those who criticize you.

A quality cannot be fully learned

without understanding its opposite

(from The Parent's Tao Te Ching by William Martin)

How to use your energy wisely during the holidays

2009-12-10T09:12:00.000-08:00

The older I get the more I realize that my energy really is a form of currency, the same way money is currency: we don't usually have unlimited supplies of either one, especially if we are moms of young children!

So, what does it mean to use our energy resources wisely? If I use the analogy of currency and the use of a bank account, it's clear that we are expected to write checks and use the ATM only if we have put money in the account. Otherwise, we ran intro trouble, right? Many times we are tempted to run on "empty", to go on the red, taking out more than we put in! As moms, we tend to push ourselves, go-go-go and end up feeling depleted. We find ourselves "bouncing" our energy checks!

During the Holiday Season, it seems easier to forget to take a minute, breathe and remember the great opportunity before us for connection and meaning, without overdoing it.

Here are 3 simple ways I have found to help us practice good "energy management":

Practice being comfortable with saying NO more than you say yes, especially for socially events that are not meaningful. If you are doing something out of obligation, scratch it off your list.

Make sure to surround yourself with people who share their vitality and passion for life. Watch out for energy vampires and other unhealthy people who ride the “take, take, take” train!

Nurture yourself in mind, body and spirit: taking good care of yourself will insure you have energy to give to others: get enough sleep, eat healthy foods and limit those calorie-filled, tempting desserts and drinks.

As a mom of a very active 8 year-old, I am aware that these ideas are simple yet not always easy to implement. My suggestion to all of us: baby steps. What a great opportunity to start a new tradition this Holiday Season: taking care of you!

As we approach one of the busiest times of the year for many of us, please take a moment to remember (and practice) The Soulful Parent #1 Manifesto Rule for this time and every time of the year: You can't give from an empty cup!!

Wishing you endless moments of awe and joy!

Sandra Huber CEO- The Soulful Parent

Chief Encouraging Officer

sandra@thesoulfulparent.com

www.thesoulfulparent.com

P.S.: Stay tuned for more details on our FREE teleseminar in January offering you a great opportunity to set your parenting goals and intentions for 2010!

Have a happy holiday with stress-less tips by Ellen Delap, CPO

2009-12-08T06:18:00.000-08:00

To Do... Or Don’t? We all have a full schedule heading into the holidays. Host a family meeting to decide on the holiday traditions which are most meaningful. Have each member voice their personal favorite. Combine this list and write it in on a month at a glance calendar. Seeing conflicts on dates or other tasks? Right away decide which is going to take priority and eliminate what won’t work. Post this calendar where your family can see it each day. Meet weekly during the holiday season to update and keep your kids and spouse up to date.

Save the Date. Planning a holiday gathering for family or friends? There are few Friday and Saturday nights in December. Send a quick e-mail to friends, and follow up later with real invitations or by evite.com or paperlesspost.com. Perhaps a Sunday afternoon is an alternative party time? Start a family tradition with your extended family meeting on the same weekend each year, but not the holiday itself. Many families enjoy the opportunity of spending Christmas Eve or day on their own.

Share the fun. It is more fun to share the holiday experience in sharing the holiday operations. Create family partnerships with mom/daughter baking, dad/daughter outside light installation, all kids gift wrapping together or any combination of family members with assigned jobs to get tasks accomplished. Projects are completed with more fun and less stress.
Collate a Holiday Notebook.
Choose a notebook with holiday theme color, add tabbed dividers with labels for:

recipes you make each year

gift lists and catalog pages of gift ideas

a pocket for receipts

printouts of online orders

holiday card address list

and perhaps some pictures of each room fully decorated (so you know what goes where each year.)
Now all your holiday ideas and more are together!

”Delap” Family Inexpensive Holiday traditions:

Tour your neighborhood after dark and look at the lights

Drive through the downtown of your cit and look at the lights

Have a puzzle set up on a table throughout the season

Make holiday cookies as a family and decorate

Read holiday stories, Frosty the Snowman or Polar Express

Watch White Christmas, National Lampoon Christmas Vacation, or the TBS or Hallmark channels with all the holiday movies

Happy organizing and Happy holidays!

Making a difference for others has always been important to Ellen Delap. Ellen has worked in a major volunteer capacity organizing efforts for two charities, Mothers Against Cancer, a fundraising effort for children’s cancer research funds for Texas Children’s Hospital, and Kingwood Women’s Club, a philanthropic women’s group working in the Northeast area of Houston, Texas. Ellen’s passion for organizing, as well as her desire to assist and empower others, led her to create Professional-Organizer.com (www.professional-organizer.com) in 2000. In May 2007 Ellen earned the highly esteemed and lite title of Certified Professional Organizer (CPO®) through the Board of Certification for Professional Organizers. Ellen has trained with Coach Approach for Professional Organizers™ and is a Certified Family Manager Coach™.

Working along side her clients, Ellen encourages and teaches her clients simple systems and routines leading to personal organizing solutions for home, school, work and life

Potty Training in December by Brenda Nixon M.A.

2009-12-03T15:17:00.000-08:00

December is a crazy month with holiday shopping, parties, visiting relatives, long days, and extra events. Although it’d be nice to have your toddler out of those expensive diapers, December is also a dangerous time to start potty training.
As I travel the country speaking to parents – and childcare providers – I’m often asked about potty training, which I prefer to call toilet teaching. We don't “train” kids like they're seals balancing a ball on their nose. Anyhow, that's just a personal peeve of mine. But they do learn, and boy, are kids fast learners!

If you feel your tot is ready to learn, you may ask “Why not now, Brenda?” Well, first, young children are extremely perceptive. They sense your angst, stress, busyness and crowded schedule. They know when you're uptight and frazzled. With immature skills to express feelings verbally, they act out their awareness of stress. Acting out takes the form of regressive behaviors like sucking the thumb, whining, or infantile behaviors or they become more aggressive through increased tantrums or defiance. If your holidays are crazed like most of us, this isn’t the time to ask your tot to learn a new, complicated skill. Plus it’ll pile more frustration on your plate if you have to take time out to clean up poopy clothes and accidents, or stand in the bathroom waiting on your child to "do something."
Second, children learn to use the potty better when their life – and schedule – is comfortably predictable. Choose a time when your family is most relaxed or you're back to "normal" routine. Some parents skip over Christmas and begin toilet teaching in January or February, thereby avoiding the seasonal excitement.
Your little one must exhibit the signs of readiness so don't jump in too soon. In The Birth to Five Book, p. 94, I reveal some of the signs that your tyke is ready for toilet learning. Space prohibits me from going into detail here. In the book I share, “Somewhere between two and three years of age, most children add toilet learning to their list of achievements. About 82 percent have mastered it by age three. But it is not solely a calendar issue; it is a readiness-to-learn issue.” Remember, that birth order, temperament, gender, parenting style, and even the season all play a role in your child's readiness.

When Sandra asked me to guest blog about toilet teaching, she asked me to share, “What NOT to do.” My number one recommendation – once you've determined your child is ready and you're committed to teaching – is NEVER ask, “You want to go potty?” Dah! Most self-respecting toddlers would rather not interrupt their agenda to sit on that new contraption. You'll most likely hear, “No.” Simply make the statement, “It's time to sit on the potty.”
For toilet teaching success, I encourage you to keep your expectations realistic. For example, expect your tot to sit on the pot, jump up, and say, “I’m done” without producing. At least he/she tried to cooperate. It's better that he/she gets familiar with it by frequent usage. Your goal – besides getting ‘em out of diapers – is to help your child feel safe and comfortable using the potty. Also, expect accidents for a while. As smart as your child is, it takes a while to adjust to the new behavior and routine. And finally, expect daytime success before nighttime achievement. Most tots can understand and cooperate with your teaching during the day but, when they're in deep slumber overnight and their little internal muscles are relaxed, they'll probably eliminate. It's not a will power issue but, a biologic one.

When my children were toddlers I was eager to end the wet and smelly messes, clothing changes, and cost. But I reminded myself that from their point of view, I was communicating a foreign set of behaviors. I tried to be positive and patient once I committed to the task. Likewise, I encourage you to keep in mind your role as “teacher.” Be instructive, understanding, patient, and persistent. Eventually, your child will be out of diapers – probably by next Christmas – and you'll have stories to tell others.

As the former Kansas City FOX TV4 parenting expert, Brenda Nixon (www.BrendaNixon.com) is the author of the award-winning The Birth to Five Book available at Amazon and bookstores. Recently quoted in Parenting and Good Housekeeping magazines, she is a frequent media guest expert and speaker to parents and childcare professionals. From schools to synagogues, businesses to bookstores, conferences to churches, audiences rave that Brenda "engages, educates, and encourages!" Brenda is also co-author on A Scrapbook of Christmas Firsts, and a freelance writer for family publications. In September, Brenda was named "Mom of the Week" by Lifetime Entertainment. She lives in Ohio with her husband and near her two young adult daughters and son. Brenda's internet radio program, The Parent's Plate, debuts January 2010 on toginet.com/shows.
*~~*~~*~~*~~*
Brenda Nixon, M.A., Building stronger families through parent empowerment

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T15:59:00.000-08:00

Today many people are sitting down with the opportunity to say thank you for the blessings of the year. Whether you celebrate the day officially or not, Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

I just wanted to tale a moment to send you warm good wishes and to let you know how grateful I am that you have chosen to be a part of my Soulful Parent Community. I appreciate the sharing, the connection and the encouragement we have created in this sacred cyber-space. If you've been around for awhile, a heartfull "thank you" and if you're new, a hearty "welcome to the tribe" to you.

Warmly,

Sandra Huber CEO
Chief Encouraging Officer
www.thesoulfulparent.com

Quiet the Mind

2009-11-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

Our bodies produce
the bodies of our children
Our noisy minds produce
the fears of our children
But the Tao (God, Life, The Universe) produces
the spirit of our children

Still the body
Quiet the mind
Discover the spirit

From The Parent's Tao Te Ching by William Martin

I will never do it the way my parents did!

2009-10-28T17:40:00.000-07:00

Child: You are the worst mom in the whole entire world!
Mom: If I had ever talked to my parents that way I would have no teeth left!

Have you ever found yourself uttering these words? We are raising our children in a very different world than we were raised. I remember what it felt like to hear the threat of getting “the belt”, so scary that my sisters and I would comply without ever actually seeing the belt. Sometimes, we were “shamed” into submission and humiliated to make us comply with the rules, at home and sometimes even at school.

Today, we are encouraged to listen to our kids and validate their feelings. We are more aware that it is not only about the discipline tools but how they are delivered that shape our kids. The lines between being open and allowing disrespect start to get a little bit blurry.
Do you ever wonder if you are doing it “right” when it comes to raising your own kids? I know deep down inside that I don’t want to parent the exact same way my parents did it. I want to take what I appreciated about their parenting and somehow mix it with this new version of parenting I am learning. But, is it realistic to expect the same instant compliance my parents got out of me, if the method I am using is totally different? It stands to reason that if the method is different the results would be too.

What I know so far is that my child knows without a doubt that she is always good and that her heart is good. That is the nature of who she is. She knows that she sometimes chooses to make poor choices that her dad and I don't approve of but she is ALWAYS intrinsically good. We disapprove of her behavior, not of her as a person. I know so far, she trusts her home as a safe place for her to completely fall apart when she has been holding it together all day at school. Do you ever hear people praise your kids for the way they behave at school and you wonder if they are talking about the same hooligans you see at home?

Don't get me wrong: we have rules in our home and there are natural consequences. My daughter knows how to push our buttons and while she does that, I am reminded that she may be pushing the buttons but she “didn’t install the system”. She knows that her anger is OK with me. It is my responsibility to teach her to use tools to deal with that anger which don't include hurting herself or hurting someone else. It is my job to help her figure out how to navigate those intense emotions and how to find a place for them.

In those moments when her emotions take over and she behaves short of the disturbed the child on the “Exorcist” I sometimes forget and take personal the things she may say in anger. I forget to ask myself; “what is she trying to communicate?”, “is she tired”? “Is she coming down with a cold”? “Is she feeling stressed out?” It all seems to happen so fast.

Have you had the pleasure yet to hear your child say things like “I hate you” or “you are the worst mommy in the world”? It can be a shock to your parenting “ego".In those emotionally charged moments I need to remember that she loves me and that she is a child figuring out the world around her. Yet it still hurts and the words do sting. I have discovered that not “reacting” but instead “responding” to her outburst works well for us. If I remain calm I make sure only one of us is having a melt-down!

Raising children in this new, more open, more balanced way is not easy. It requires a lot more work, patience, and more focus than pulling the “infamous belt” ever would. Do I hear some parents afraid of spoiling their kids or being too soft? Sure. Is this kinder, non-reactive, strength-based approach perfect? Not by a long shot. But I feel privileged for the opportunity to give it a try!

When your 8-year-old is going on 15 !!

2009-10-19T10:03:00.000-07:00

It is always ironic to me, how my own experience raising my child always prepares me for my sessions with the parents I coach. Many of these parents have come to me lately for help when they are engaged in power struggles with their children. It has been a topic that has brought many a frustrated parent to question his or her own parenting skills. I had being able to recognize immediately when their children were asserting their own power and attempting to define the boundaries between them and their parents. This time it was my turn to experience that struggle for myself.

A few days ago, my 8-year-old daughter got in the car with me after a day at school. On the way home we talked about what she planned to do with the rest of the afternoon. I was quick to remind her that she was expected to do her homework and chores before she went out to play with our next-door neighbor. I found myself at a loss for words as I heard my daughter say, in no uncertain terms:” I am not doing chores and you can’t make me. “

In the interest of honesty and transparency here, I have to tell you that hearing my own daughter utter those words felt like a personal and professional failure on my part. One of the things that has made my work as a parent coach a powerful experience, has been my ability to relate to the struggles of parents just like me, trying to make the best of every situation while raising, healthy, well adjusted children. I was looking at my daughter through the rear-view mirror while fantasizing: Do I join her in the “hunt” for power or do I wait until we get home and ground her for life?

Fortunately for both of us, patience and calm prevailed that day. I forced myself to take a deep breath. As calmly as I could, I let her know that indeed she was correct: I couldn’t make her do anything. I shared with her that once she became her own person, with her own opinions and her own likes and dislikes, I hadn’t been able to make her do anything: I couldn’t make her eat, I couldn’t make her go to sleep, I couldn’t even make her stop talking without using some sort of illegal restraint! She looked back at me with a sense of triumph and repeated: “That’s right mommy, you can’t make me do anything”.

I could see she was waiting for me to make the next move. I have never been very good at playing poker but this was one of those times when I needed to keep a straight face and not let her see my “hand”. I needed to keep it together and call her “bluff”. I said: “honey, the wonderful thing about being responsible and making our own decisions is that we also get to experience the consequences of our choices. So, since I can’t make you do anything, my job is to guide you to make the best choices, but the choices are still yours to make.

I could almost hear the wheels turning in her head. We discussed her options and their consequences. Her response was immediate and I heard the “you can’t do that. That’s not fair. No, I will not do my chores OR my homework and you can’t’ make me.” I took another deep breath wondering if my approach was all but a failed attempt to remain calm when what I really wanted to do was scream and tell her how she was going to do whatever I darn well told her to do! Anyone else ever been there?

The ride home was silent and thankfully, short. We went in the house and I continued with my routine without saying another word to her. She sat on the couch, cross-legged and defiant. I told her I was going to give her 5 minutes to decide what she wanted to do. When the time was up, she got off the couch and acting as if nothing had happened asked:” How about I do my chores but put on the TV while I do it so I won’t be so bored?” I agreed quickly and she was surprised. I could tell she felt proud of her “negotiating” skills.

I could feel my face starting to cool off and my blood pressure returning to normal. The bottom line was clear: I had given her the choice to do the right thing but also had given some room for her to feel like she had some power and some true choice-making leverage. As tempting as it was in the moment, I realized that mirroring her unwanted behavior instead of modeling a healthier way to behave was setting up a long road of power struggles. We are not even in the teen years yet!!

One thing I know for sure: When it comes to preparing me to work with the parents I support, nothing prepares me better than the everyday challenges of raising a strong-willed 8 year old!

Honesty and your kids

2009-10-09T21:20:00.001-07:00

The article below came to me today as I was questioning myself over how much to share with our 8 year-old about recently loosing my job. I was upset, hurt and dissapointed and there were a lot of tears!

In a clear, calm, age-appropriate way, we decided to explain to her what had happened and what that meant for us as a family. We were open and honest and answered all her questions. I have to be honest: I was worried that maybe I had "traumatized" my child in some way and that maybe I should have "shielded" her from the truth. Guilt is never too far from a mom's mind!!!

To my surprise, she was understanding and willing to do her part in our efforts to use our resources even more responsibly. Because we were calm, she was able to be calm too!

Modeling for our kids in developmentally-appropriate ways how to handle stressful situations helps them learn that their emotions are valid, real and important. What a great lesson for all of us!!

Scream Free Parenting Tip of the Day
by Hal Runkel, LMFT

Kids are remarkably perceptive creatures. Even infants pick up on parental cues and follow our lead, regardless of the emotion we emit. If you have something major going on with your career, marriage, finances, health – you name it – your children are picking up on it.

Your best course of action is honesty. Pretending like nothing is wrong does nothing but send mixed signals to your kids. It makes them question their own instincts and judgments – one of the cruelest things you can do to them. When your child approaches you with a tough question – especially one involving a perception they have – be simple, be direct, and be honest. You’ll actually be doing them a tremendous favor!

How have you handled life changing situations with your children? What worked for you?

Where are you parenting from?

2009-09-30T19:50:00.001-07:00

One of the most important things I have learned from coaching parents and from my own parenting is to be honest about “where” we are coming from when we parent our children. Parenting from knee-jerk reactions, passed down family mindsets or society's opinions can be limiting, unproductive and stop the flow of creativity. Our parenting opportunity is one that requires us to be conscious about everything we say and do when interacting with our children. As one client told me last night: “conscious parenting is a lot of freaking work!” And you know what? She's absolutely right!

If we manage to calm our own anxieties, acknowledge our own past hurts and recognize our own “buttons” , we will “respond” to our children instead of reacting to them. We have an opportunity to create the space to allow them to be who they came here to be!

Remember: It’s not so much what you are parenting about, but where you are parenting from!

My love affair with play

2009-09-24T17:45:00.000-07:00

I was delighted to have made a new friend on Facebook who has an excellent place for young children to play. It’s called Play Matters and she has a location in Seattle www.playmattersseattle.com

I asked her to be my blog guest and write an article about playing. You'll be seeing the article in the next blog/note I post. You’d think play is a safe topic to talk about both for kids and adults, right?

People that are close to me would say that I am funny, playful, buoyant and curious with a “nothing-is-out-of-limits” attitude. To my amazement (or should I say, amusement?) “stuff” came up for me around the topic of playing. I come to find out that I have a hard time justifying time to play. I guess in a way, I feel guilty about playing.

Here are some of the reasons why I stop myself from playing:

· If I have too much fun sooner or later my luck will change
· I have to “earn” my right to play by getting all my “chores” done first.
· It isn't safe to play – you’ll lose control and something bad might happen
· If I get too silly people won’t respect me and take me seriously

I know logically that all these are all “stories” I have told myself and none of them are the real truth about me or about playing. I figured that we all dream of a life with freedom: freedom to be happy, freedom to explore and freedom to be who we came here to be. As parents, we watch our children doing that and wonder what happen to us.

As I explore my own personal past and relationship with play I remember the way play used to be when I was kid. I remembered that I was only allowed to play freely when my parents and adult family members wanted to have “little ears” out of the way: when they wanted to talk about grown-up stuff. However, I couldn't enjoy much play at other times. Even as a very small child, the idea of play for the sake of play wasn't one I was familiar with: my duties always came first.

I realized last night I have a second chance to learn and enjoy playing. I have a very precocious and active daughter who constantly pulls me into her world and makes it OK for me to find a better relationship with play. When I told her today that I was writing about mommy learning to play again, she looked at me puzzled and asked: “You mean you forgot? How did you forget?”
I guess that is what this blog is about. Figuring out how did I forget and how to reclaim that joy that is play.

How do you find your place in the world of play?

Parenting at the speed of life!

2009-09-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like your life is a crazy merry-go-round? Does it ever feel like you want it to slow down enough for you to get off? Do you ever feel that the “scenery” is passing you by and you are not getting to enjoy the details?
Well, I am here to tell you, you are not alone. I hear this sentiment time and time again from my friends, my clients and in my own life. I have come to realize that even when things are going the way I want, there still is a lot to do and not enough time to do it!
In the last few weeks, I have enjoyed many surprises and good happenings: the “official” launching of my business, the change of my career focus and entering the process of purchasing a new home. These are all very exciting things and yet, I am finding myself running around trying to make it all work.
Our daughter Marissa is starting to notice that mommy has a lot to do: more than usual. You don’t want to play with me anymore, you are always on the computer! she cried the other night. I became aware that I have not been balancing my career and my parenting in a way that supports the kind of parent I want to be.
So, it’s time to prioritize: my main focus is my family. How do I make sure that I get what I need to get done in a way that satisfies my own needs while satisfying the needs of those who matter to me most?

I have decided to give my daily routines a little more structure yet keeping it flexible. Last night. I decided to designate my time working on my business to coincide with the time after my daughter goes to bed. In order to still enjoy time with my husband, I am limiting my time to 1 hour every night. This allows me to honor the sacred time with my family during dinner, one-on-one time with my daughter before she goes to bed and couple time with my husband before we both go to sleep. I have decided, for example, that Sundays are “linen” days, when I exchange bed sheets and towels around the house. I decided to give up the self-imposed requirement of making a “full course” meal for dinner every night. Instead, I am writing my meal planning on Sunday night to reflect a particular item that my family enjoys every day of the week: Chicken on Mondays, Pork on Tuesdays, Fish on Wednesday, Turkey on Thursdays, etc. Little by little, I am finding not only a structure but a rhythm that works for me and my family. Last night we had sandwiches on paper plates for dinner last night and it was awesome. No fuss, no stress!
I am reminded that flexibility is key. Even though there’s a structure in place there has to be room for changes and adjustments. I remember a saying my grandma used to have that reminds me of the need to slow down, no matter what is happening around us. She used to say: "dress me slowly because I am in a hurry". I have come to learn that when I take a deep breath and go slower I have a lot less “do overs”!

What do YOU do to make sure you keep the balance between career, family and your own personal life?

Be aware of your own hot buttons!

2009-09-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, a friend told me about someone who was really getting under my skin,“they may be pushing your buttons, but they didn't install the system!” Powerful words!

The more you know yourself, both what you like and what you don't like, what is important to you and what is not, the better you'll be able to manage your own behavior the next time a "meltdown" is looming.

We can't predict when our children will have one of those “moments” nor can we control them. They are likely to happen when you are exhausted, feeling sick, having a bad day, stuck in traffic or simply not ready to deal with them. You are responsible for your own feelings .The only person we have control over is ourselves!

We have fewer parental regrets when we respond thoughtfully rather than react emotionally.

Easy Recipe for the Week

2009-09-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

Rachael Ray’s Lemon Pasta, Johnson Style (courtesy of our good friend Patricia Johnson)

1 pound spaghetti
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
2 lemons, zested and juiced
2 12.5 oz cans chicken breast chunks
Handful flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
1/2 cup (10 or 12 leaves) fresh basil, very thinly sliced
Grated parmesan/asiago cheese for serving at the table

Bring a large pot of water to a boil and drop the spaghetti into the pot.
Heat a smaller pot over low heat. Add extra-virgin olive oil, garlic, and crushed red pepper flakes. This infuses the oil with the garlic and pepper flavor. Turn off the heat so garlic and flakes don’t burn.

When the oil has infused for a few minutes, add the chicken broth from the canned chicken. Turn on the heat to bring sauce to a bubble.
Drain pasta when it still has a good bite to it, maybe 2/3rds done, and return it to the large pot. Add the sauce, lemon juice and zest, and herbs to the pasta and turn on the heat to low. Stirring frequently, cook until all liquid is absorbed. When just about done, add chicken chunks so they can warm without falling apart.

Enjoy!

Where did I go?

2009-09-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember, I have heard and read about the importance of caring, nurturing and guiding your children. About finding ways to encourage them, support them, educate them. The older I get, and the more independence my daughter demands, the more I realize that it's truly a fine balance between giving them wings and giving them roots.I want both for her!

Many books that I see on the parenting section at most bookstores, focus on how to be a parent, forgetting some times that we are human beings first, who make the choice to become parents. I used to ask myself many times, where did I go? What happened to the “me” that used to have all this free time and all this energy? These days, I have reconciled the fact that I am “me” first and all else later. I am very clear that I am more than any of the roles I play, even when I choose to focus on one or two or even three at any particular time!

If you have ever wondered about your place in this world outside of your role as a parent, you are not alone. It doesn't mean you are a bad parent or that you don't appreciate the gift of parenting. Many of the moms I coach have told me at one point or another, how they feel they have “lost” themselves after having children. If you have been fortunate enough to have people in your life who have supported you in keeping your sanity and your integrity, you know what I mean.

How have you found your way back to that place where you know you are OK, where you can handle being a parent, a partner, a friend, a worker, a sister, a daughter? What has helped you find that balance?

2009-09-12T10:42:00.001-07:00

Twitter Moms: The Influential Moms Network

Do as I say and Do

2009-09-10T00:35:00.000-07:00

Wouldn’t you love if your children learned to be self-reliant, to have positive values, to eat healthy food, to value rest and be calm and happy? These are only taught by modeling. Forget the “do as I say not as I do”!! I believe the bottom line when it comes to raising children is that every parent wants to raise children who will eventually become loving, caring adults who are happy and productive in their community. I have never met a parent that said “I want my child to be completely anti-social, a total looser and a pain in the neck”. You wouldn’t be reading this if that was your goal for your parenting!

For many of us, the responsibility to be an example for our children in everything we do can be daunting and flat out intimidating. I remember getting pulled over by a police officer one time, after what seemed to me, like the most stupid infraction ever: driving on the shoulder of this particular road. In my mind, I was thinking, “isn’t there a donut shop around here you should be hanging out at?”.. or “isn’t someone out there committing some crime that you should be after instead of stopping me for this?” As I pulled to the say of the road, I remember that I had an audience: my 4 year old was in the back, watching everything I did. I realized that the way I handle myself would teach her more than anything I could possibly say afterwards. So, I choose to keep my thoughts to myself and act respectfully, as I hope she one day does too.

Have you ever heard your kid screaming in the house and have found yourself screaming at her to stop screaming? Do you realize how silly that is? It is as silly as hitting your child because they hit you.. that will teach them a lesson, right? You are your children's first and greatest teacher and role model!

Remember: Be the person you want your children to be!

FREE Parenting Worshop in Seattle Area

2009-09-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

Is Your Child Blossoming or Simply Growing Older?

10 Simple Ideas for Avoiding Common Parenting Pitfalls
Parenting can be really stressful. Our children challenge us and cause us to grow in ways we never imagined before having kids. Sometimes parents set high expectations and are often too hard on themselves when they don’t handle every parenting situation as they would like to.
While there isn’t one parenting technique that will magically work with all children much less all parents, I will share with you tools and strategies to address many of your parenting concerns.

In this FREE introductory seminar we will cover some basic ideas that can help you start taking some positive actions and create the family life experience you want to live!
In this FREE introductory seminar you will learn some basic, simple tools that will help you navigate along the bumpy road of raising children, all the while helping you increase your skills, leaving you feeling better about your parenting skills.

I became a Certified Parent Coach ® because I am deeply passionate about changing the world, one family at a time. I believe that with appropriate tools, encouragement and support, parents can get the help they need to be confident in creating a positive and healthy home environment!

Contact Sandra at thesoulfulparent@earthlink.net to register for this FREE introductory seminar. You have nothing to loose and peace of mind to gain!

Date: Saturday, September 19th, 2009
Time: 2:00 to 4:00 p.m.
Location: Bothell-King County Regional Library
18215 98th Ave NE, Bothell, WA 98011
Cross Streets: Between NE 182nd St and NE 183rd St in downtown Bothell
For directions visit http://www.kcls.org/bothell/directions.cfm
or call (425) 486-7811

Using Humor: parenting should be fun!

2009-08-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

In the book “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, Mc Murphy (played on screen by legendary actor Jack Nicholson) says “when you loose your sense of humor, you loose your footing” which is great wisdom when you consider in this movie, he lives in a psychiatric institution!

Humor is one of the best tools you have at hand for those days when your children are in a conspiracy to send you over the edge. Humor and laughter are indeed serious business: Did you know that they can also reduce stress, ease strained relationships, diffuse tension, and even bridge the gap between generations? Given all the benefits of giggling, chuckling, and being silly, why not inject some humor into your family's day-to-day life? A sense of humor will help you when your baby begins to cry for the fifth time tonight... When your 2 year-old has smeared her dirty diaper all over the bedroom wall.. when you have an argumentative five-year old. Or like me, while you're in the middle of a complex parking maneuver at the supermarket, reversing your 4x4 into a space that a shopping cart would find tight while your daughter is giving you the "third degree"!

Every kid has a funny bone. They love to laugh, play, and clown around. Experts say (whoever these experts are!) that humor is a very effective way to get kids to do the things they don’t want to do. When parents use silly songs and the element of surprise, kids will often comply with little fuss. “Humor allows parents to handle a tough circumstance in a different and more constructive manner,” says child physician, Dr. Rene Ramiro.

I believe that laughter can connect us with the present moment, with the here and now. The older I get the more I realize the importance of making laughter a priority and try to find something that makes me laugh at least once a day. When I have had a particularly bad day (no matter what, we've all been there!) where it seems like NOTHING could help, watching some I Love Lucy always does the trick for me.

It's so fun, I tell you. And I feel lighter and more centered and I can honestly say I even feel wiser and more compassionate when I laugh.

A final note: Humor will allow you on the most stressful of days to realize that you've been given your child as an amazing gift to enjoy and cherish.

Remember: Don't be a cynic. Parenting should be fun.

Cultivate Gratitude

2009-08-25T16:52:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot of “buzz” in the last few years about the power of gratitude: books are written about it, seminars and classes talk about the importance of being grateful. We even have a day in the year when we are asked to think about what we are grateful for! Researchers are finding that gratitude is a key element of human well-being. They are finding that grateful people are optimistic and energetic and deal better with stress and illness. Gratitude, in short, can make you happier.

For those of you for whom research drives the point home more powerfully, check this out: Seligman, Steen, Park and Peterson (2005) carried out a randomized, placebo-controlled study. They followed participants up 6 months after they had begun carrying out a simple gratitude exercise and found they were happier and less depressed than a control group. In this study, though, participants initially wrote about what they were grateful for every day for a week. If it's possible for even the simplest negative thought to provoke a change in mood (and if you are a parent, you know how TRUE that is), then why not a positive grateful thought as well?

A word of caution here: When I ask you to consider the power of being grateful, I am not asking you to stick your head in the sand and pretend that nothing is happening that needs your attention. "To say we feel grateful is not to say that everything in our lives is necessarily great," Robert A. Emmons (Emmons, R.A., & McCullough, M.E. -2004. The psychology of gratitude). "It just means we are aware of our blessings”.

What does gratitude have to do with parenting, you ask? What I know is that when we focus on what we don’t have, we tend to perpetuate the very same thing we don’t want. The negative thoughts that arise when we are concentrated on the way things should be and are not, can rob us from the joy that our children bring us every day. These thoughts are the perennial “blackberry” bushes of our lives (for those of you on the Pacific Northwest, you get the picture, right?) It takes a lot of effort to eliminate them from our garden. Well, it’s the same thing with negative thoughts (and attitudes) about our children’s behaviors, demeanors and intentions. We need to eliminate our routine thinking and labeling of them before we can actually “plant” the seeds of the behaviors we want from them.

One of the things that I started doing a couple of years ago and found incredibly powerful, was the nightly routine of a gratitude journal. It has evolved nicely into a deeper daily practice that reminds me of how full my life truly is. A good friend of mine gave me a beautiful journal that I decided to use and write 5 things for which I was grateful. It became a profound ritual that brought a sense of closure to every day. Some times, in our quests to be better, or more successful, or more organized, or better moms, parents, spouses, we get stuck in the energy of more, and forget the gifts of now.

I know what some of you may be thinking: this exercise seems so trivial it couldn’t possible be worth doing. I invite you to think about this: Many parents focus on what isn’t working, forgetting to appreciate what is. Today, take a few minutes to appreciate nature. Go for a walk and notice the beauty around you. Whether you focus on the clouds above, a distant mountain range, or the apple tree in your backyard, notice the details. The bottom line is that regardless of whether you record these items on a journal or not, I invite you t spend some time each day to focus on the little things in your life that make each day special. Be aware of what in your personal and family life you are grateful for. Focus on little things in your life that make each day special: A good friend. Your child's toothless grin. A homemade meal. A warm shower. Your child’s picture that looks nothing like the puppy she says it is.

Remember: "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." - William Arthur Ward

How do children spell love? T-I-M-E

2009-08-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

I know. This is such a timeless piece of advice, isn't it? Making sure we have some quality time can be difficult. We have so many activities to compete with and when parents have to work outside the home, it calls for some serious creativity. One thing that has helped me is to set more boundaries around my work, so that when I am home, I’m “really all there". I have to confess that there have been days when I am spending time with our daughter coloring, baking or even reading, and my mind is busy thinking and planning what I need to get accomplished as soon as I am “done” with her. That’s not what it is meant by quality time. Quality time really means giving your children your full attention, not all day long or even every day, but during the time you are WITH them. It means being present and having your attention on them, mind and heart.

I can already hear some of you saying: …But how? How do we find time when we have more than one child? How do we find time when we work outside the home? How do I find time when our partner doesn’t help with the housework? How do I find time when I am tired and exhausted? Well, that is one question that comes up time and time again with the parents I coach. I wish I had a magic answer that would fit all the possible reasons why finding time for your children can be a challenge. What I do know is that, once you find a way to incorporate quality time into routines and activities you already do, it becomes much easier and less of a to-do and more of a “ta-daah”! (can you hear the drum rolls?)

What I am suggesting is that you make those 15 minutes at the dinner table count. Maybe when you are ready to do laundry, you can ask your youngest to help you carry some clothes to the washer and you can talk to them about was their favorite thing from that day. Or maybe when you are driving your 10 year-old to a play date you can sing together in the car to a song you know she likes. Maybe you can play “I Spy” in the car on the way to the dentist. Maybe you can sit down and write a short note to grandma to send her your children’s latest art work. With very young children, days of the week can have cool names like Magic Monday, Terrific Tuesday, Wondrous Wednesday--and so on. Pick a Saturday during the year when children can make gifts for each other and celebrate what's special about their sister or brother. Celebrate a butterfly sighting or geese flying south, a fresh snowfall, a field goal, a lost object found, a new haircut, Picture Day at school. Our 3-year-old neighbor Hunter who lives on our cul-de-sac loves how fun it is turning on the vacuum cleaner for his mom, then pushing the button that magically "eats" the cord when he is done. Have a family Valentine's Dinner--lots of red candles, lacy doilies, little white lights wrapped around the room, and heart-shaped food. Even President's Day is an opportunity to come together as a family. You might talk about what makes a good leader, read stories about Washington and Lincoln, and say what each of you would do to make the world a better place if you were president. Think of what you loved doing as a kid and try to build on that.
These are all ways to incorporate “one-on-one” time without having to spend money or carve huge amounts of time for them.

For those of you ready to leap into designating more specific family time, turning off the TV or computer is another way that helps you create that special time. When I was growing up, my family parents were big fans of board games. We spent many a night playing Monopoly and Life, or trying to keep quiet while playing old fashioned Operation. These days, we have new games that my family enjoys and my daughter loves the popular ‘theme” games; Princess Monopoly or Sponge Bog Life. We also like crafting together – just being inventive with the stuff around our house and seeing what we create. I have learned that our daughter and I can always have some quality time doing some scrap booking together, something we both enjoy immensely. My daughter loves to help cook, so we let her drag her stepstool over and work alongside us. The bottom line is that you can make everyday life routines a family-focused activity. One of the things our daughter enjoys most is reading, so I try to spend at least a few minutes a day reading to her and we also make sure we have a family game night every week. We play the computer games or pull out the UNO cards or get a board game.

Another great opportunity to have time together is to sit together at the table and eat dinner together. Dinnertime conversations (either at our table or at a restaurant) are always a great opportunity to connect, regardless of what’s being served. Get creative: Have an indoor picnic on the floor. Serve banana splits for dinner or pasta for breakfast. Choose a day and announce that you will be having dinner for breakfast and breakfast for dinner. Serve boxed macaroni and cheese or chicken nuggets and fries in the morning and make pancakes or eggs and toast for dinner. You might have dessert before you have dinner and serve the main course afterwards. Kids love this one.

Make time to have fun with your children. It will pay off in a 100 different ways and is worth every minute.

"Your children need your presence far more than your presents." Jesse Jackson

The Soulful Parent

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"Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers."- Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

-Hal Runkel, LMFT author of ScreamFree Parenting

Own it!

By: Melissa Atkins Wardy

Double Duty Mom

Your Parenting Thermostat

FREE Screamfree Teleseminar- October 20th

In this lively, engaging and fun Teleseminar you'll discover HOW to:

Feel more comfortable as a mom, even when your children are less than well behaved

Be a better parent with less effort and a lot more fun

Discover what it means to be in charge as a calm and cool mom

3 Simple Tips for Successful Parenting

Nourish MD - Healthy Children - Healthy Kids - Mom2Mom Blog

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The Great Parenting Show Teleseminar!

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For more tools and techniques on organizing, visit www.professional-organizer.com, tweet Ellen on twitter @TexasOrganizer or join her Facebook Business Page Professional-Organizer.com. Happy organizing!

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"Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers."
- Socrates (470-399 B.C.)